Baby Joshua has arrived!

I got a call on Monday night from Shannon to tell me that Joshua William was born at 10:59 am on Sunday August 7. Yippeeeee! Congrats Shannon and Jason! I went to go see them in the hospital yesterday morning - he was just two days old! Wow, is he a cutie pie!

What goes up must come down

Bah. Humbug.

Well what was looking like a really great week has now almost completely fallen through. Super. The hike yesterday was great, but I woke up this morning with a VERY sore heel. I can't walk on it, so I"m gimping around on the ball of my foot to try to walk. This morning, I thought I would still do the waterslides, but maybe not do the hike on Wednesday. I really want to go to Black Tusk, so I want to give my heel some time to recouperate.

Well, I rushed off to meet everybody for the waterslides, and it was only K (the one who organized the day) and me. She figured we should just cancel and go another time. MY hesitation (as the young adults socials co-ordinator) was that we had sent it out on the mailing list, which made it an official event and invited tons of people who may or may not show up, so if anyone decides to come later (we said we'd be there till 8:00pm), there's not gonna be anyone there. Not good. So we hummed and hawed, and she decided that she had to get a bucnh of stuff done, and figured no one would be coming (ah the joys of planning events when people are very non-committal). So. No waterslides.

Tomorrow, like I said, I probably won't do the hike cause of my heel.

And kayaking Thursday? Lots of enthusiasm and people who say they want to go, but no commitments yet. I'm not counting on that one either.

*SIGH*

On a more serious note

Childlike glee aside... I've been doing some thinking about the last year's relationship experiences, and I kinda had an "ah-ha moment" yesterday. Just a word of warning: this is a thought PROCESS. I'm thinking as I write, so I hope it makes sense!

I've gone on a few dates with three guys over the last year. I was never "going out" with any of them, but there was definitely something that was more than friends. I met D last August, and M in November. Both these guys I met online. Mr. BD I met in May. He goes to my church.

Each time, it's been the guy who has initiated the "let's be friends" conversation. Each time, I knew it was coming before it came, and deep down, I knew I felt the same way, but it's still disappointing, and a bit of a blow to the ego.

With D, it was pretty much the stereotypical "let's be friends." We've emailed I think once since, and that's it. BUT, he also lives in a different city (about a 45 min drive away) and we don't have any friends or activities in common (like work, church, social groups, etc). There was some weird stuff surrounding that non-break-up (can you call it a break up if you were never dating? What DO you call that, anyway?), and it knocked some of the proverbial rosy tint out of my glasses.

With M, the "let's be friends" conversation was not at all stereotypical. He explained where he was coming from, and that it wasn't a good time in his life for a relationship. Hmm... still sounds cliche, but it was sincere. We still didn't have any friends or activities in common, and he lives even farther away (about a hour's drive), but we still keep in touch, talking every now and then on MSN.

I've already told the Mr BD story here, so I won't go into it now. I will, however add that we see eachother often - at church and young adult social activities and the like. While we are keeping a bit of distance publicly, just till people stop aking if we're dating, we're still friends. We had a long chat just the other day about where we were and what we want our friendship to look like. He is SUCH a good guy, and I'm very glad that we're friends.


A common thread that I see in each of these near-relationships is that, unlike other guys I've gone out with in the past, I didn't know these guys in a common context before meeting, clicking, and beginning to hang out with quasi-romantic intentions. I had begun to think that it just doesn't work to think about starting a relationship with someone I don't already have a non-romantic friendship with. This was bothering me, because there was no-one who I'm already friends with who I would consider dating (well, never say never, but at this time I can't see it), and it's becoming incresingly hard to be totally platonic friends with guys. I don't know why, but it is (now here's a question that could generate some comments: Can you be truly JUST friends with someone of the opposite sex?). So in my mind it was working like this: nobody I'm already friends with that I'd be interested in, and can't be just friends with someone new, without it being complicated by the "hmm... what about this guy?" thoughts. So add that to the "relatioships don't work unless you already know them/are friends with them first" thought, and you can imagine I was feeling a bit of discouragement.

Now I will take a slight detour here to say that I don't NEED a boyfriend, nor am I 'on the prowl.' In fact, I am pretty content with the way my life is at this point in time. However, I would be lying if I said that I didn't have days when I wished I had that 'special someone.'

So I have been feeling somewhat befuddled as to how all this silly relationship stuff is supposed to work (hee hee, aren't we all?). I was wishing things were as simple as they seemed back in university... you have this friend who you've known for a long time, you're great buddies, then one day you realize, "Whoooah... wait a sec... what just happened to my stomach when he walked in the room? How did those butterflies get in there?" Then if he feels the same way, one of you asks the other out, and poof! You're a couple. (ha ha... riiight, like it's really THAT simple).

But it does work out well... you know the person, you have common friends, common activities, you have already seen how he/she acts in a group, you already KNOW some of your common interests. You can skip at least some of those awkward small talk 'get to you you' conversations. It's great! I had a very wonderful relationship with a guy who I am still really good friends with that followed that process, so that's in my head as something that works.

Friends first = good. It worked great for me.
Meet-to-romance=bad. Doesn't work. It's happened three times in the last year. Pretty hard to argue that evidence.

It was as I was thinking about this that a relaization dawned. I am in a different stage of life now. The university model worked well in university. But I am not a student anymore. The days of classes and campus clubs/interest groups and hanging out with large groups of friends on a very regular basis are behind me. That was university life. I am now working, meeting people different ways, and have a different kind of social life. It is still good, it's jsut different, and it requires adjusting, learning new ways of doing things. That's not to say that I have to throw out the old ways, or that the old ways will never happen, but I have to learn the ropes of this new stage that I"m in, and make adjustments accordingly. And of course, learning takes making mistakes and floundering around for a while until you get it.

I'm so excited... and I just can't hide it....

I feel like I'm a kid in summer daycamps again! My plans for the next week? So fun...

Monday: Hiking Diez Vistas and volleyball on the beach in the evening
Tuesday: Waterslides with a whole swack of friends
Wednesday: Hiking the Cheif in Squamish
Thursday: Kayaking up Indian Arm
Friday-Sunday: Hiking/Camping trip to Garibaldi Lake and Black Tusk

Oh. My. Goodness.

I hope my legs don't turn to jello and then fall off. I'd better stock up on batteries for my camera! .... OOOOH! And buy one of those waterproof disposable camera dealies for hte waterslides! hee hee hee!

Welcome Liisa!

Ha ha, a post just for you! It's nice to see you here! Leave a comment - the more the better! You don't have to have a blog, just click comments, post a comment, the choose "other" and leave your name!

You should start a blog too! Keep us all updated with how you are way over there in Irish Land ;) You could make us all jealous with your weekend jaunts throughout Europe!

(Liisa just got married 2 months ago and moved to Ireland... don't she and Colin make a cute couple?!?!)

Happy two month anniversary! (Well, almost!)

And the verdict is in...

(well, according to me, anyway)

Only one more night to go at the Celebration of Light (it will always be the Symphony of Fire to me... silly advertising laws). Canada, Sweden, and China have now set off over 2 million dollars worth of explosives over English Bay. All that's left is the finale on Saturday, the competition is over.

Here's my take on the whole deal:

Canada: they had a jazzy little ensemble for their music. Nice music, and they tried to make the fireworks all artsy to fit with the music. They were very pretty, and graceful, and lovely, but that was kinda their downfall. They're fireworks... they need to be BIG, and they need to be LOUD. You need to be able to not only hear the explosions, but feel them on your chest. Maybe that's just me. Hardly an ooh or an aah escaped my lips. And the synchornization? Meh... hard to synchronize with flowy jazz. They were the first night, and I was worried that I've been spoiled by too many Celebration of Light/Symphony of Fire shows. I was beginning to be sad. That is, until I saw...

Sweden: Last year's winner. Now HERE is a country who knows how to do fireworks. A large part of their music was written especially for the show, but of course, they had the requisite Abba interlude... it IS Sweden, after all. The synchronization was AMAZING... if the music went bah bah ba-da, the fireworks went bah bah ba-da (really hard to demonstrate that in a medium that is neither auditory or visual! :P Just trust me on this one...) It was incredible. Oohs and aahs were standard all along hte beach, and many parts of the 30 minute show had me giggling wildly at the sheer spectacularness of it (yes, I know, 'spectacularness' not a word ;) . They had blown Canada out of the water in just the first two minutes! Now the only competitor left was...

China: Being the country in which fireworks had their start, China usually puts on a pretty good show. Last night was no different. No ABBA here: there was a wide variety of tradtional Chinese music, from lyrical songs to songs that sounded like they could be used when going into battle (how appropriate for the medium!). They were big, they were loud, and they made the crowd (estimated at over 300,000) squeal with delight with fireworks shaped as happy faces. How DO they do that?!? Synchronization was very good, too - stronger, or maybe jsut more noticable, in the war-like sections. Their finale was fabulous. I don't think Canada OR Sweden's finales were as high and as wide. Wow.

In my extremely non-expert opinion, I would rate the three shows as follows:

Third place.... Canada.







Second place... China




(click on this image to see a bigger version, then look at the bottom for the outline of people's heads: this gives you an idea of the SIZE of these fireworks!)

And the winner is... Sweden. No question.







We'll see if the judges agree with me at the Finale on Saturday night!

Hey look! I'm a queen!

One of my favourite blogs is The Reign of Ellen - she's hilarious, and a great artist. She's recently started up 'The Court of Ellen" made up of other bloggers - friends, family and strangers. Well I got . home . from . the fireworks tonight already in a great mood, and lo and behold, I got an email telling me I've been added to Ellen's court. I feel so honoured!

Shoot...

... I think I have a lil' crush on ...!

Variations on a theme

Sometimes things people say or phrases I hear just stick in my head... then, even months later, a little lightbulb goes on and I realize that they are all related. Hmm... could God be trying to tell me something?

1). Out for dinner with a friend, I was whining about my clunkermobile, and talking about how I wanted to buy a brand new car. He was trying to convince me that I wanted a newer, used car, and that I shouldn't buy new. I was adamant.

Well, I guess it just depends on what you want to spend your money on.

2.) Sitting around the table in the staffroom, I was talking religion with a man who had grown up Jewish and a woman who had grown up a strict Catholic - school with the nuns and everything. Neither really practice their religion now as adults. But we were talking about faith, and what impact that has on our life. The catholic woman was talking about how maybe really all faith is is something psychological to help get us through hard times. (I disagree totally, but that's a whole other post! :P). She just didn't seem satisfied with what faith/religion had given her.

There HAS to be more to life than this.

3.) I was listening to the local Christian radio station a while back, and they always have these little "inspiration moments," which I usually tune out (cause honestly, sometimes they're very cheesy) but this line stuck out:

What do you want your life to count for? How do you spend your money accordingly?

4.) One of the reasons I took a blogger break was because it was becoming too important to me. I was spending more time than what I was happy with browsing and writing and blog-fiddling. In the midst of me feeling bad about how much time I was spending online, a friend forwarded me an email that had the following quote at the bottom. Oof.

How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives ~ Anne Dillard

5.) You know how the first song you hear in the morning is often the song that's stuck in your head all day long? Well a I was pondering all these thoughts, knowing that very soon I was going to have to sit down and take a good long and hard look at what I value, how I'm spending my time and money, and what changes I need to make to become the person I want to be, I heard a new Switchfoot song on the radio (hear a clip by clicking here and then clicking on "This is your life." "Meant to live" could also fit!)

This is your life, are you who you want to be? This is your life, is it everything you dreamed it would be?

I haven't been able to get this line out of my head for a couple of days now. It's time to spend some time listening to God and doing some thinking...

* what do I want my life to count for?
* who do I want to be?
* how do I want to spend my life, and so what do I need to do with my days and my money so that they match up?
* what do I need to do to work towards these goals?

Finally, I have the time to think. I hope I don't waste this opportunity.

Fruitless Jealousy

I was NOT expecting this.

So I thought I was supposed to know myself better than this. I thought it was all good. I know you're not interested, and I'm not even sure we're a good match, either. But - darn you! - you still affect me more than I thought. And all this as I was planning to call you up this week and just let you know that everything is totally cool. I was going to tell you that I think I'm weirding you out, but I"m just treating you the same way I would any other friends. Now I don't know. Am I overly friendly, because deep down I"m hoping that something will happen again, after we get to know each other a little better? Or am I really just treating you like I treat everybody else?

First it was the slip of paper with your email on it that caught me off guard. Then tonight it became very clear that a friend of mine is interested in you. I thought she was flirting with you last time we all hung out, but tonight I asked her (I guess I'm just a sucker for punishment) and her reply? "Oh, YEAH!"

Instantly I wanted to tell her that you and I had a thing, whatever it was, and then I wanted to tell her to be careful, not cause you're bad, but maybe because you're unsure of what you want. Maybe. Maybe that's not fair, I don't know. But there was this feeling in the pit of my stomach that told me, "this must be stopped." I felt like she was taking away a second chance that I may have had.

I had a flash of jealousy.

It was strange. I have not had that feeling very often at all. All of these thoughts occurred in a split second, and of course, I kept my mouth shut. What good would it have done to say anything?

"Well, we had this thing, and I think he might not have been ready for a relationship, or something, so just be careful." Who am I to say that? I don't know that for sure. The last thing I want to do is to make you look bad, especially when it's based on something I don't even know. And it's not like you hurt me. You were very gracious and just explained where you were coming from. So what warning does she need?

"You know, he and I kinda... well... um... hung out a bit." Yeah? So? It's not like you were my boyfriend, and even if you were, we're not anything now. So why CAN'T she flirt?

And yet everything in me reared up against it. But of course, this kind of jealousy has no point. If nothing is happening between you and I, well of course, go look somewhere else, or at least enjoy the attention. I have no right to say anything.

Instead I sat quietly back and watched the two of you interact this evening. You had no idea what it was doing to me. I guess this is the time where I face up to the fact that nothing is gonna happen. I can't hope for it.

It hurts when hope dies, especially when you keep thinking it's dead and you're over it, then it lifts up it's head and says, 'Hey no, I'm still here!" only to get knocked down again.

I want you to be able to just be my friend - no weirdness, no expectations, no jealousy. No pain. I wonder if that's going to happen? How many more surprises will there be along the way?

I don't want you to affect me like this.

A Cowbell For Ellen

One of my favourite blogs these days is The Reign of Ellen. A while back there was a flurry of conversation about the SNL Cowbell skit. I'd never seen it, but after reading everyone rave about it, I looked it up on the net and watched it here. Classic!

So down at the Concerts in the Cove yesterday, the main singer had.... guess what??? I immediately thought of Ellen!

Summer Fun in Vancouver

Just a sampling of summer in Vancouver... Celebration of Light - a spectacular fireworks display that's all coreographed to music - down at English Bay, and Concerts in the Cove - open air concerts in Deep Cove, North Vancouver. We started a limbo line with the happy face balloon - fun for all ages :D

Sweet Freedom!

As of one hour ago, I am officially on HOLIDAYS! For FIVE WEEKS! (and two days!) I can not say a big enough YEEEAAAAHHHHOOOOOOOO!!!!

This is the first time since Grade NINE that I have had more than about 5 days off with no obligations, no commitments, no feeling of guilt at "oh, I SHOULD be doing this or that (like lesson planning, etc)."

No shouldas.
No oughtas.
No gottas.

I will be waking up in the morning and asking myself, "hmmm, what would I like to do today?" Oh it's gonna be glorious!

Oh yeah, and I've decided I'm gonna keep blogging (surprise surprise, but there's been a mindset shift) ... more to come a little later, I'm off the the beach for some live carribean music.

Welcome, summer!

The Coffee Table Book

OK. In high shcool my friend Chris had an amazing talent. He always seemed to be able to capture the most spectacularly BAD photos of me. He would always tease me that he was going to make a coffee table book of all the awful pictures he had of me. Well I was going through some of my photos and realized I had some pretty wacky pictures myself. So it's not a coffee table book, but it's close. And oh, there are so many other pictures I could share, but a girl's got her pride, you know. ;)

If you want to see what I'm really like... look no further:

(Now, you'll have to read my last post, too, at LEAST to see that I actually DO have a deper side - I jsut like to be silly, too! Apparently!)

Craig T

So I know I said no new posts just a few hours ago (see below), but this is an exception.

CRAIG - you have SERIOUSLY SERIOUSLY crossed the line. I CONTINUALLY asked you to respect my request for privacy. You continued to press. You did not respect what I was asking, only til the very very end of our conversation, and even then, you had the AUDACITY to tell me you thought that I had fear and controll issues.

You do not know me at all. How DARE you say that.

You also asked for my website. I told you no, because there was too much personal information on here, and frankly, I did not trust you after our conversation to give it to you.

Yet instead, you hunted it down anyway. Likely now you have seen pictures of my house, my family, my friends, and have read who knows how much of my blog. Yes, I realize that it is on the web for all to see. However, after the conversation where you could not even respect my decision not to send you a picture, that is a HUGE, HUGE violation of my privacy. And when confronted about it, you first lied to me, then mocked me, then called me a child.

I am SO furious right now. And no, it is not a "controll" issue, nor am I "a child" as you called me. It is a matter of staying safe on the internet, as I repeated to you many times last night.

And as far as you preaching to me, or speaking to me, or whatever you want to call it, about prayer, you had absolutely no right to do that. My comment was more in disbelief that the only way you would honour my decision not to send you a picture was if I prayed about it and "Jesus told me [you were] a killer or something." You just wouldn't respect my request on it's own.

I should have stopped talking to you the minute you kept pushing for information I already told you I wasn't comfortable giving you.


Frankly, I am extremely creeped out by the fact that you hunted me down (and I still am at a loss as to how you got my email in the first place, anyway), then coyly referred to my blog in your email. You then lied to me about having seen my site, and only when I proved I knew you had seen it did you 'fess up.

It is precicely because of things like that that I do NOT give out personal information. I consider you a dangerous person, not in the sense that you will harm me, I hope, but in the sense that you have violated every boundary I had set with you from the beginning of our conversation. The fact that you cannot see this is even more concerning.

Now I don't suppose you'll honour this request, but don't ever come here or to my homepage again.

Is it something that makes your life better?

Dang.

I hate it when I get asked a question that makes me have to face up to what I've known for a long time but had been trying to avoid.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After church today, I was talking to Alfred, a friend/acquaintance from church. A few weeks ago I had come accross a blog written by a girl who goes to Regent College. As I was looking at her blog one day, I saw she had posted a picture of her and some friends down at the beach. I looked at the picture and saw Alfred! Crazy! It was one of those "small world" things, which I jsut thought was cool. Anyway, I saw Alfred today so thought I'd tell him that I had randomly come across his picture as I was blog surfing.

Of course, conversation lead to the question of how I found this girl's blog. So I started talking about Blog Explosion, surfing blogs to earn points which translates into traffic for your blog, etc etc etc. As I was exlpaining this, I was feeling embarassed about it, and if I'm honest with myself (ouch) it's because I spend far too much time doing this, and have been realizing over the past while that too much of my conversation and time is taken up by this silly piece of cyberspace. Me being the person I am (saying pretty much every thought that occurs to me out loud), I rolled my eyes and laughed, saying, "Oh, man, I'm SUCH a nerd!"

To which Alfred responded, "Well, is it something that makes your life better?"

"Well, er... it's kind of an online journal thingy...umm.... and friends look at it, thay can see what I've been up to... uh... and it's interesting getting people from all over the world looking at it..."

I don't know if I was convincing him. I wasn't convincing myself.

Our conversation moved on from there, but his question stuck in my head. Is the time I spend blogging something that makes my life better? Or am I doing it for other reasons?

I know some deeper reasons, which I'm not willing to go into here, yet (if I do at all). But what I will say is that I'm going to take a blogging break for a while. No checking stat counter, no blog surfing, and no more posts for a while. I have some thinking to do about why I'm doing this and if it's something I am doing to enrich my life, or to hide from it.

Ouch.

Feel free to keep leaving comments. I get those via email.

Just two more!

Two more page loads and I'm at 2000 visitors since May 10 when I added Statcounter to my blog. Wowzers!

Who gets the lucky priveledge of being #2000?

Just for kicks and giggles...

I found The Sloganizer in my blog travels this afternoon. It makes a slogan out of any key word you put into it. Here are some of my favouries:

* Hello Hillarytastic!

* And on the eighth day, God created Hello Hillary.

* Welcome to the Hello Hillary universe.

* It's not a dream. Hello Hillary is real!

* Once Hello Hillary, always Hello Hillary.

* Hello Hillary – one name, one legend.

* Hello Hillary: it’s a kind of magic.

* Hello Hillary. To hell with the rest.

Try it out, it's good for the ego, and at least worth a giggle!

My head is a snow globe (aka An Explanation of Disappointment #1)

Like snowflakes in a snow globe, there are always lots of thoughts in my head, but sometimes life gives the ol' snow globe a bit of a shake and everything starts swirling around. In those times, it's hard to capture my thoughts clearly, because they haven't had a chance to settle. But after a while, the snowflakes come to rest again, and things become clearer. Nothing ever lands in exactly the same place, and so I'm never exactly the same person I was before. Hopefully I'm better, wiser, and have come to understand more about myself and about others through it. Well, some time has passed and the globe is a little clearer now. Here's a bit of the story of "disappointment #1" (see Questions or Showin' Me the Love for a bit of background) and hopefully a little of what I've learned through it.

About 6 weeks ago, I met a guy. I'll call him Mr BD. We hit it off pretty quickly, and started hanging out and talking on the phone a bunch. We weren't 'going out', just getting to know each other and enjoying each other's company. I was a little bit cautious at first, because I've had two "false starts," as I call them, in the last year that kinda flopped. By that I mean, that I met someone, read all the signals and got excited about what might happen, and they just didn't turn into anything. I wasn't heartbroken by any means, but it just made me more cautious about hitting it off right away with someone.

But, as I got to know Mr BD a little bit, I realized that none of what I was worried about was happening. It was nice, too, that we have mutual friends, cause all I ever heard (and continue to hear) about him is that he is SUCH a good guy. And I do agree. One of the things that caught my interest was that he has such a great heart, and really works at serving others. He's funny, warm, honest, and always treated me with respect. We seemed to have lots in common, and I was looking forward to getting to know him better and to hanging out with him, doing a whole bunch of the things we both like to do. I really liked him, and unless I am completely out to lunch on this, I know that the interest was mutual, at least on some level.

About three weeks after meeting him we were both wondering if we were going a little too fast, emotionally. His work was really intense, and he needed to focus on that, and for a number of very smart reasons, he told me that he felt we should back up a bit. His reasons and his approach to our friendship just made me respect him more, and I totally agreed with him. The only problem was that I don't think either of us knew what "taking a step back" looked like exactly, and I think for him it looked like a bigger step back than it did for me.

Long story short, last week he told me that he wanted to keep our relationship at the friendship level. I wasn't surprised, really, because since we had talked about slowing down, things had become very different - more distant, I guess. During that time, I was able to get some perspective, and there were a few minor things that I was wondering about as far as compatibility went. But, they were things that I was hoping to figure out as I got to know him. I was hoping to continue hanging out, and particularly get to know him once things had settled down for him at work when he wouldn't have to be expending so much energy and was not so tired. I was, of course, disappointed when he told me that he didn't want to go beyond friends.

In between the "step back" and the "just friends" conversations, I realized that a lot of what I was feeling for Mr BD was enthusiasm / excitement at a possibility. That's not to say that I didn't like him, because I did. But the way I was feeling didn't match the amount that I knew him. I was hoping to go slow, get to know him, and maybe start dating further down the road. So, needless to say, my analyzing "girl brain" kicked into overdrive after our "just friends" chat last weekend: Did I push too hard? Was God telling me "no" and I just didn't hear him? What is the lesson here? What about those first two weeks when he was very obviously interested, too? What were those about?

He gave me some reasons, kinda, when we talked, but they were sort of hazy. I mean, reasons or no reasons I can still accept it, but it sort of left me wondering. Now I in NO way feel led on. I'm guessing that, maybe, he got caught up in the possibility of something, and then realized that he wasn't as interested as he first thought. I don't believe at all that he was ever being insincere. Or maybe he just realized that he wasn't ready for a relationship? If so, fair enough. I don't totally understand where he was coming from, though regardless, the outcome is the same, and I will respect that. I am curious, though, as to his thought process through the whole thing, but that's a question that will most likely have to be left unanswered.

When all is said and done, even though I was disappointed, I will be (am?) fine. I still have the same respect for Mr BD that I did before, and I still think he's a great guy. I'm hoping that we can continue our friendship. I'm a pretty laid back person, and I don't think there will be any "weirdness" if we continue hanging out, at least on my end. The challenge is how to convey that to him without him thinking I'm trying to cling to him.

While I was hoping for something more, I'm also alright with the way things are. And whether our friendship ended last week or it will continue, I'm grateful for the time we got to spend together.

I'm sure there are more snowflakes that need to settle, but for now, this is how they've landed.

Day three, no pee!

I've made it three days with no peed pants!!! Let's hope this number continues to grow!

(erm, let's referesh your memory that I'm teaching 4 and 5 year olds at summer school. I'm not referring to myself here. MY personal record is 6 days, thank you very much ;)

Well Said

I couldn't have said it better myself...

...in fact it hardly even bothers me. only a little. and that little actually
has more to do with me that her. every time you enter a new relationship, there
is always that hope inside that it will blossom into something more, that you'll
fall in love, be the perfect match, and live happily ever after. of course when
this doesn't happen, regardless of the reasons, its always a bit of a
disappointment. even if the reasons make sense. even if you knew it wasn't meant
to be there is still that part of you that says, "maybe it was" or "maybe it
will still work out in the future". and another part of you that says "grow up."

(Courtesy of a fellow blogger)

And we're off...

Well, summer school began yesterday. Talk about having to be flexible!

I had two courses all planned and ready to go, and I was very excited to be able to be teaching at my own school. It meant that I didn't have to pack up my classroom, I was familiar with the building, and I would be teaching with some of my colleauges from the regular school year, who are also teaching summer school.

For various reasons, however, enrollment was really low this year, and the powers that be changed the way they determine whether or not to cut a course. That meant that both of my courses got cut. This was not a big deal, though, because I could still be rolled into the cirriculum and ESL classes, and would be able to keep my job. I hadn't received a confirmation by last Friday, so I didn't do any planning. I supposed it was gonig to have to be a "fly by the seat of my pants" kind of month.

That is, until Saturday.

I was at the beach with some friends enjoying a fabulous day (the day after the previously mentionned disappointment #1) when my cell phone rang. It was the summer school principal. "Oh good! He's confirming what I'll be teaching!" thought I to myself. But no. Numbers were still down, and he wasn't able to hire me.

Oh

my

goodness.


The principal was really good to me, though, and he made calls to the other summer school principals to see if there were any openings at any other schools, and he found one! I suppose I didn't have the best attitude, cause hey, at least I have a job, BUT, I was going to have to go and pack up all my stuff at my school, bring it all to the new school, teach all July away from my buddies, AND, the "best" part??? I would be teaching PRE-KINDERGARTEN and kindergarten ESL and language arts. Hmmm... I am an intermediate teacher. I lvoe little kids, they're very cute and fun to play with, but as far as teaching them? They're just tooo little! Plus, THESE kids... many have never been to school and don't speak a word of English. Great. This was disappointment #2.

****************************

Well, Monday came awfully quickly. That was a prep day, thankfully, so I moved all my stuff, went to the staff meeting, and then my mom came and helped me get my room set up (she's a preschool teacher, so she had lots of tips for me! We're gonig to go pilfer her preschool later this week for some fun stuff :) .

Then the kids arrived today. Apart from the registration chaos, it was actually not too bad! (Hey, any day can go great when the kids get to play at centers half the time they're there! Don't worry, that will change, but today was a settling in day - more so for me than for them!) I actually had a lot of fun with them! There was only one girl who wouldn't let go of her mom's leg, and one boy who started crying when he came back from recess becuase he thought his mom was going to come get him then. He didn't realize that there was still more school, and I couldn't explain it to him becuse he doesn't speak a word of English! Poor litle guy! He jsut cried and cried and repeated the same entence (I think) in Chinese over and over... all I oculd get was "mama" out of it.

And the biggest thing I say "Thank GOD" for today.... nobody peed their pants!!!!! Let's try to keep that record up!


Well I survived day one. Only 24 to go...

An unsent letter

I was sorting though some old papers tonight when I found it: that little slip of paper you wrote your email on the weekend we met. I came up and asked for your address, but you already had it written down. You were already planning on giving it to me.

I didn't know I still had it, so it came as a bit of a shock. I had finally gotten you out of my head for the time being, and there it was... a stark reminder that you were at least as interested as I was, if not more. I mean come on, the first time you emailed me, you listed all the things we did together as the high point of your weekend.

I liked spending time with you after that. We'd go for long walks, talk for hours, and enjoy each other's company. And your eyes when you smiled at me... wow. But, we realized that we were moving too fast. We didn't know each other very well, and we both wanted to back away a little and just get to know each other slowly.

Maybe I misunderstood what you said you wanted, or maybe you just didn't know. Either way, you came to the conclusion that you were not interested in pursuing anything further. I respect you for the way you told me. Consistent with who you are, you were kind and thoughtful, but clear.

I was not heartbroken. I didn't cry, not that day, anyway. I was, however, terribly disappointed. I just don't know what changed between the few weeks after we met and the day you told me you just didn't feel the same way about me.

That slip of paper was an unexpected reminder of how excited I was about what might have happened with you and I. It caught me off guard, and that's when the tears came.

Shoot, I really liked you.

Showin' me the love

I won't get into it here/now, but I've had two disappointments in the last two days, and am feeling kinda bummed. But, it's amazing how God shows his love in really tangible ways right when we need it the most (well, all the time, but even more so when we need it).

Shortly after disappointment #1, I got a somewhat out of characteristic hug from a friend of mine, which was jsut what I was needing. Then just after disappointment #2, as I was making some phone calls to sort a few things out, my landlords knocked on my door with a big boquet of beautiful flowers that they had just cut from their garden.

So. A hug to remind me I'm loved, and some flowers to brighten my day! That's two for two. None of these people knew what was going on, and yet they have been God with skin on for me today.

Once again I say, God is SO good.

Questions

Why does God's voice always seem clearer to me after the fact?

Over the last year, it seems that only after something happens can I look back and go, "Ah, yes, God was telling me this or that." Is it because I'm not in the practice of hearing his voice? Or have I heard it and chosen not to listen? Either way, it sure would have saved me from some disappointing situations had I realized/listened. BUT, I'm constantly learning about God, about myself and about others through this crazy tragic, sometimes almost magic, awful beautiful life. I guess it's the "almost magic" part that's getting to me right now. For once I'd like it to just be magic. I'm getting awfully tired of the 'almost.'

Looks like I'm in for some more growing pains. It's better than staying the same, though, so I can deal with that.

Moving right along.....

********************
Ironic... I just found this series of pictures on The Reign Of Ellen. They seem verry fitting right now. :P

Oh so easy!

A little birdy told me that you can now upload images right from your computer onto blogger... no more messing around with flikr or hello (or uploading to your own very nearly full server)! Yippee!

Happy Canada Day!

How did THAT switch happen???

Today was the last day of school! The kids finished yesterday (and I was not nearly as emotional as I was last year... I was almost crying saying good bye to the grade sevens last year! What can I say, it was my first year! :P ) and we had our staff breakfast this morning. It was sad to say goodbye to all the people who are leaving, including our amazingly wonderful vice principal who is moving on to another school.

Last year on the last day of school, I treated myself to a pedicure and a facial. This year, I took my car in to get a new muffler (said my mechanic to me: "Your entire exhaust system is rotten. It looks like swiss cheese.") and then climbed a freakin' mountain. I had planned on getting a massage. How'd that work?

On the bright side, I've always been somewhat intimidated (ok, really freaked out by) the Grouse Grind. All I knew was that it's called the GRIND for a reason. It's basically extremely steep stairs that go right up the face of Grouse Mountain. For those of you not from around here, the trail is 2.9 km long (1.8 miles) and has an elevation gain of 853 meters (2800 feet). It's been dubbed "Mother Nature's Stairmaster."

And yes, I know lots and lots of people have done it, and in waaaaay less time than me, but last Friday two other teachers from my school convinced me to try it with them (it was their first time, too) and so we did. And we lived to tell about it! We went really slow, and we promised we'd go together (no one wanted to be the one dying at the back!). We made it up in 1:58. Nothing for most people to be impressed at, but we were happy we did it.

Well, Tammi, one of the teachers, and I went again today (instead of the massage... I'm insane!) and we shaved THIRTY TWO minutes off our time! Ha ha... unfortunately we won't be able to continue that trend! :P (We also learned an important lesson: while it's important to have eaten something so you have energy to do the trail, you shouldn't eat, even a little bit, right before going up. - DUH, yes, I know) I had a stomach cramp almost the whole way up. BUT, I sure felt amazing when I got to the top!

Tammi wants to go every week this summer, and is trying to convince me to go with her. What have I gotten myself into??? :P

Which Cartoon Character Are You?

Apparently I'm Sponge Bob Square Pants. Super. I cringe even having a picture of this guy on my site. At least the description is good!

You are Sponge Bob Square Pants: You are the classic person that everyone loves. You are the best friend that anyone could ever have and never want to lose. You never cause harm to anyone and they would never not understand your feelings. Life is a journey, it's funny and calm for the most part. Stay away from traitors and jealous people, and then you will be stress free.

Which cartoon character are you? Take the quiz HERE to find out!

Chicoutimi Reunion

Back in May and June of 2001, I went to Chicoutimi, Quebec for a French language program. It was an amazing 5 weeks, with classes in the mornings and all kinds of great activities in the afternoons and evenings. My class was great, and my instructor was hilarious! There were three people who I hung out with a lot while I was there: Colleen (from Toronto), Greg (from Victoria), and Debbie (from Kamloops). We kept in touch a litle bit after the program, but not a lot. And before a few weekends ago, it had been probably two years since I had talked to any of them.

Well, except for Colleen, I guess. I few months ago she sent me an email telling me that she was coming back out to Vancouver between finishing her year at school and going back to Germany where she has been working the last few years. So was chatted on MSN every now and then, and made arrangements to meet up while she was here.

In hte beginning of June, we met up and did the tourist thing all over Vancouver one Friday afternoon. Then that Sunday I picked her up for church and she came to church with me, too. While she was back at my place and we were continuing to reminisce about Chicoutimi, we had the brainstorm to try and get hold of Greg. Neither of us had talked to him in probably 3 years, so who knows if the number we had for him still worked, but we decided to give it a shot.

*Ring* *Ring* Hello? / Um, hi, is Greg there, please? / Yes he is, one minute, please...

YAHOO!!! (no we did'nt actually SAY yahoo! :P )

Greg came to the phone and Colleen and I said hello: "Hi Greg, it's Hillary... and Colleen... (together:) from Chicoutimi!"

I don't think he knew what to say! He was jsut eating his lunch, minding his own business, then right out of the blue, there we were! We yakked for a bit, and Colleen mentionned that she was gonna be on the island the next week and they they should hang out, and then she told me that I should come out, too.

Um.. I work, not gonna happen (thought I'd love to!) Unless.....


My school gets out at noon on Fridays, so the following Friday (June 10) as soon as the bell rang I was off! The plan was to head over to the Island, hang out for Friday afternoon/evening, crash at Greg's parent's place, then come back early Saturday morning. Little did I know how much FUN it would be!

* TO BE CONTINUED... *

Show N Shine

I went to my first classic car show last weekend... how fun! I have a friend who is really into classic cars, and my parents were volunteering at the refreshments booth (as a fundraiser) so my friend and I went together. There were cars from as early as the 30's there - wow! I couldn't tell you what any of them were (thankfully each car had the model and the year on little info papers... not that I needed it, my friend knoew almost all of them!), but they sure looked cool!

I took a few pictures... anyone want to help me label them (ie. I've forgotton what they are now!) ? I wish I had taken more. Next time!

This one's a ___?

I love the lines on the front of this car.

Beautiful!

Cool grill!

There was a little trailer set up like an oldies diner... wanna share a soda?

Clunkermobile Adventures

Just another chapter in the ongoing saga of the clunkermobile! But first, if you haven't seen it already, you need to read this post to get somewhat aquainted with my beastmobile (it's a love/hate realtionship! :P )

OK, read it? Good... now we can continue! ;)

The Monday just after the retreat I had "one of those days." Slept in, got caught in a traffic jam, had wingy kids that wouldn't listen to anything, forgot my lunch, knocked over a huge stack of Safeway shopping baskets (which didn't just fall over, but spread out all accros the floor, stopped only by the display stand 8 or 10 feet away), had more wingy kids, sat through a long boring staff meeting, then went off to battle the crowds at Metrotown to buy a wedding shower gift for a friend. Metrotown parking is crazy, so I parked in the surface parking (much easier than in the multi-level parking garage!) and made careful note where my car was (I've lost it before!). I went in, bought my gift, and did a little bit of shopping for me (nothing fit - *sigh*).

Around 8:00, I was tired and hungry, and just wanted to go HOME! I followed my steps back to my car only to see another car pulling in to where my car had been. Ummm.... Oooookaaay. I wandered the lot, second guessing my sanity over and over again, but nope, I had definitely parked my car where I thought I did. And it was definitely not there.

Somebody had stolen my car!!! MY car. MY hunk-o-junk! :O

I called my parents to let them know, and told a mall security guard, who had someone come take all my info and then do a circle of the lot (I guess they have to make sure I just didn't forget where I parked it. Bah!). She circled around, and of course, no car. It IS fairly obvious with that piece of trim hanging off the back bumper! :P

Anyway, my dad was on his way (hip hip hooray for daddies! He came from Deep Cove to Metrowtown to drive me back to my house near Oakridge... for those of you who don't know Vancouver, none of those places are close to eachother), so I went over to the Red Robin to wait for him.

When he got there, we called the police to report is stolen, and then ICBC (insurance) and all that jazz. I hada full tank of gas in it, which got my dad and I thinking... good, they can get as far away as possible then maybe they'll drive it off a cliff and I'll be rid of the thing!!!

Is it bad to honestly pray your car gets totalled? ;)

Well, no such luck. They found it the next day at an Ice Rink in Coquitlam, basically intact. Boo hoo! Of course, then began the rigamaroll with the insurance company. Suffice it to say it was somewhat of a headache (although not as bas as I thought it would be). Though tell me, why have insurance when your car gets stolen and you still have to pay the $300 deductable?!?! ARG!

My one perk for the two weeks before getting it back, though, was the rental car! I got to drive a brand new silver Sunfire, wahoo! It was sure hard to go back to the clunkermobile afterwards, though! It's got me seriously contemplating a new car.

But alas, the beast is back, rumbling and smoking and squeaking and slamming into gear. I don't even want to know what the guys at the dealership thought when my car, after sitting for a week, took half an hour to stop belching out smoke (it leaks oil, and if it sits for a two days or so, there's enough oil burning off that it smokes). Go green or go home, I tell ya. Eek.

Time to start updating...

Woohoo! Report cards are DONE! I've been falling behind in my blogging here! It's been three weeks since my last post. I guess you could say life has come up and kept me away. There's been lots going on, so I have some work to do! I'll update in installments so I don't freak you out! :P

Quotable

Here's something I found while browsing. I don't normally just quote here, but this one was too good...

Photo and words by James Jordan.

People can easily impress themselves with their ability to create and control their own destiny. That is, until the real Creator comes along and dwarfs even the best of what people can offer. Humankind's understanding and creation of light is laughable compared to the One who said, "Let there be light." Heck, we're still trying to figure out how the stuff works!

True to form

Click the button to visit "Camp Kawkawa Remembered"

Well, at least I'm consistent.

Once upon a time, many moons ago, little Hillary was up at Camp Kawkawa enjoying a fun filled week. She had been to camp before, and loved the canoeing activity option, so she signed up for it again. Out she went on the lake, dip dip and swing, dip dip and swing. She learned all kinds of new strokes, and even got to tip the canoe and learn how to do a boat-over-boat rescue. How fun! However, when she got back to the dock and went to get ready for dinner, she realized she was without one very important article... her GLASSES! She swore she had taken them off and left them wither her towel on the edge of the dock, but alas, they were nowhere to be found. She searched and she searched, frantic, but to no avail. She was just glad that it was sunny that week... maybe she could blame all the squinting on the sun. :P When she got home, her parents were very understanding (though I'm sure rather annoyed), and off they went to buy new glasses. They were sure to get the 2-for-1 deal this time... just in case.

Once upon another time, older and wiser Hillary was back up at Camp Kawkawa enjoying another great week. It was free time at the waterfront, and so she decided to go for a swim. Remembering the glasses incident a few years before, and determined not to make the same mistake twice, she had a great strategy: there was a covered shelf thingy out on the dock specifically for people to leave their valuables in while they went swimming. Out she went, reciting to herself, "Take your glasses off before you jump in the lake. Take your glasses off before you jump in the lake." She must have been so focused on her little chant that she forgot about the shelf, cause when she got to the edge of the dock she jumped right in. She felt the glasses come off her face and made a mad grab for them, but could only feel them slowly drifting down to the muddy bottom below. Frantic, and not wanting to have to tell her parents that he lost her glasses again, she went to the lifeguard and told him what had happened. After all the kids were out, he went diving for treasure. Her clear-lensed, black and dark brown tortoise shell glasses. He came and found her later that evening and handed over the glasses. YES! But wait... they weren't hers! Turns out another girl that week had done basically the same thing, but had been too embarrassed to admit it. Not Hillary, no siree... apparently she has no shame. So... take two for the staff member. Down he went again, and actually found Hillary's glasses this time! Man, was that ever a dumb move. She sure wouldn't do THAT again!

Or at least, she wouldn't do it again for a few years. Hillary was now a staff member at Kawkawa. Older, but apparently not wiser. She forgets the circumstances (blocked them from her memory, perhaps?) but into the lake she went, once again with her glasses on. And once again they were rescued from the murky depths. And I do mean depths. We're not talking about six feet of water here. It's more like 20 or 25. It's cold down there, and dark, and muddy.

We won't even speak of the time, also as a staff member, Hillary was getting cleaned up after a very muddy full contact game of bucketball and stepped on her glasses in the shower (there were no shelves anywhere, nowhere, not even a hook, to leave her glasses on. Silly washrooms.). Shattered the lenses. She ended up having to make an appointment for an eye exam in town and got a free pair of trial contacts to wear for the remainder of the summer. They were the wrong prescription. No wonder she was dizzy for two weeks.

Cut to this past weekend (and to a change in voice - I'm creeping myself out writing in third person!). I was now a guest at Kawkawa with my church. It was blazing hot on Saturday, and people were in and out of the lake all day. I noticed people diving up and down, up and down, with goggles on. Turns out a lady from our group had dropped her sunglasses in the lake. OH MAN! I could certainly empathize. I joined in the search (really, it was the least I could do!). I could see them, but they were too deep for me to get. Eventually a staff person got flippers and retrieved the glasses. Of course, that brought up all the (painful - *sniff*) memories. ;)

But apparently not for long.

A few hours later, after an afternoon spent hiking, kayaking, and swimming (during which time I hung my glasses on a hook on the swim board just before going onto the dock, I might add), I was on the dock talking to some friends. Dinner was soon, and I was pretty much dry, so I wasn't planning to go back in. However, the cool, sparkling water of the lake was just too tempting, so in a split second, "ah-why-not" moment, I dove in. The second I felt the refreshing sensation of the cool water surrounding me, I realized what I had done. Again.

Down floated my glasses once again, meeting up with their old friend, Kawkawa Mud. I came up out of the water shouting "craaaaap!" (and then realized the pastor was sitting right there on the dock, making me really glad I wasn't shouting some other word! :P ) But hey, at least I dove in at a DEEPER place than the woman earlier that day had done. (Do you sense my sarcasm?) Well it was too late to do anything now. I dove down a few times, but was too worn out from the afternoon to hold my breath for any length of time. I decided I'd ask the staff hero from earlier that day to try looking again tomorrow, and off I went, blind as a bat, for dinner. Of course, me not being able to keep my mouth shut, I told my friends on staff, who then proceeded to mock me relentlessly, knowing that this was not the first time I had done this. *Sigh* :P Thankfully I had brought my contacts with me!

So Sunday after lunch, I hauled a staff member away from his washroom-cleaning duties (kicking and screaming, I'm sure... I mean, who would want to jump in a nice cold lake on a blazing hot day when they could be cleaning toilets?? ;) and under the watch of about eight people, up and down he went trying to find my clear-lensed black wire rimmed glasses at the bottom of 25 feet of water. You could see the fluorescent flippers, and boy, was he a long way down. I was feeling bad for making him blow out his lungs and ears for the second time that weekend, and I was pretty much resigned to the fact that I was going to have to go glasses shopping this coming week, when up he came with my glasses in hand (to the cheers of all the folks on the dock, all women) !!! "Uh, excuse me, they're scratched!" said I, in my best rich-stuck-up-teeny-bopper voice. Heh heh.

Somebody get that boy a medal!

And somebody get me a brain!

Jesse, my hero!

Refreshed

Click the button to visit "Camp Kawkawa Rembered"

Even Though

~Stephen Toon~

.

I will worship you

Even though my soul be downcast,

I will lift my head to you

I will worship you

Even though my heart does wander

I will bring it back to you

.

You are worthy, O God

In whom else could I trust?

All is foolishness

Compared to you

.

I will worship you

Though the world is ever changing

Lord you still remain the same

I will worship you

Enemies surround me always

I will put my trust in you

.

You are worthy, O God
In whom else could I trust?
All is foolishness
Compared to you

.

********************************

.

What an amazing weekend. It was such a gift to me in so many ways. First of all, it was simply refeshing to be back at Kawkawa: to take in the absolute beauty of the place, to see familiar faces, to be received with love by the friends I have there. Second, taking a whole weekend to play was just what I needed in this busy season. I played games, swam, hiked, and kayaked. I joked and laughed and told silly stories in the company of friends. I played with some very cute kids and got to know some great new friends.

.

Most importantly, I learned something new about God and about myself. Or maybe I was just remined of this, I don't know. Either way, it was what I needed to hear. The speaker, Tony Dolfo-Smith, was talking about blessings and about the importance of moving from belief to trust in our faith. I won't go into details here about the specifics of his talks, but I do want to highlight what I feel that God was teaching me. A big part of it was that I need to learn to see his blessings differently. So often I see blessings as only good things that God gives (specifically, good things that *I* want). Since when do I get to tell God how to bless me? I want to learn to see more clearly the blessings I receive, even though they may not be what I want at the time, and even though they may be painful. This weekend showed me, among other things, that I need to (continue to) devellop a "God-perspective" and trust that he has only the best in mind for me. That way, even though things may not be gonig the way I'd hoped they would, I can know without a doubt that it's because God has something better for me. And secondly, I need to be less afrad of being "different." That's what God is calling me to be: radically different that what this culture expects or sees as normal (hee hee, well who says I'm normal, anway? ;)

.

I think, though, that the biggest thing that stands out for me, and it's not something new, is that God requires the complete surrender of my whole being, no matter the cost. That includes the plans and dreams that I have for myself. Tony said, "It is impossible to follow God and not be led away from something we love." It's hard for me to even understand what all that means: "complete surrender," "my whole being," etc. What do I need to surrender? How do I do that? And it's scary to wonder what it is that I love so dearly (or that I'm hanging on to too tightly?) that God will lead me away from. Yes, it's easy to believe. Much harder to act on that belief, that is, to trust. But it's not all doom and gloom: giving things up, living a life of surrender: "Whoever finds his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it." (Matt 10:39) Again, as Tony said, "The real blessing we will recieve is not the life we think we want/should have, but the real blessing will be God himself." I'm not claiming to understand this all fully, and I'm especially not claiming to be doing this. It's just what I'm going to be mulling over and asking God about for the next while (ha ha, more like for the rest of my LIFE!).

.

God, I do believe, help my unbelief.

.

.

Some pictures of Kawkawa

Kawkawa Lake

Kayakers

The sun rises on Mt Hope

Campfire

My favourite place in the whole wide world.

Kawkawa in Winter

Kawkawa!

I get to go to my favourite place in the whole wide world this weekend! My church is having a retreat at Camp Kawkawa, just east of Hope. I have been going to summer camp there since I was a kid, and then every year as a staff up until 2002. It is the one place I can go where as soon as I step foot on the property, I feel like my soul can relax. So much of who I am today is because of the things I have learned and the growth that has happened while I've been at camp. It is the place where I have seen and heard God the clearest. It's always a place of refreshing for me whenever I am there. Plus, it's an absolutely beautiful location! Mix all that with 30 degree weather, and you've got the makings of a very great weekend! I can't wait!

Oh yeah, and I'm gonna dive in that lake jsut as soon as I can! :D

Click the button to visit "Camp Kawkawa Rembered"

One on One

Look out, my issues are showing. :D

I have a hard time hanging out with guy friends, particularly ones that I don't know that well, one on one. I get all panicky and wonder what if there might be something behind it. Is he interested? Am I? Just what IS this, anyway?

In the past, I would have said without a doubt that guys and girls can just be friends with nothing else behind it. Though I still want to believe that, I have to say I'm beginning to wonder. Sure, there are the "safe" guys - either they're married (though a single girl hanging out one on one with a married guy, no matter how innocent, should be handled with great caution), or you've already dated them, found out it won't work, and are still friends, or there's just no possibly you'd be interested in THAT way, but they're still great people. With those guy's it's easier. But those guys are few and far between.

If I end up hanging out with any other guy, I start analyzing. And analyzing. And analyzing. It's a curse, a curse, I tell you! Might he be interested? Or is he just being a nice guy? (I should stop and point out here that I am a firm believer that there ARE nice guys out there - guys who will treat a girl with right because they are decent human beings, not for any ulterior motive.) Am *I* interested? Is there potential there? Or do I tell my brain to shut up and just enjoy the time spent with a friend? That last one is probably the best option, but it's easier said than done! :P

Now often those questions are answered fairly quickly. Either they mention an interest in someone else, or I get to know them better and realize that they're just really sweet to everyone, or whatever. But still, why do I put myself through all this wondering beforehand? It's enough to drive a girl crazy!

Like A Fish Needs A Bicycle

In my browsing, I came across a blog called This fish needs a bicycle. She's named it that in contrast to the famous quote "A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle." I read her blurb about what her blog is about, and it's got me thinking. Here's the description:

It's lovely to be a feminist and all. I have gotten in plenty a tizzy over the
inequity of the female role in this bizarre universe. Have even tried out the
independent, "A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle" track, and been
quite good at it. Eventually, however, I settled upon this conclusion: This fish
needs a bicycle. If not for comfort, at least for entertainment's sake. This is
not about man-chasing or desperation. It is rarely even about dating. It's about
me deciding that I can be well-educated, independent and happy and still see the
need for someone else in my life. That's not desperate; that's real.

Well this fish needs a bicycle, too. And like her, it's not about being desperate, either. It's about the need to know someone and be known. I think she's hit it on the head when she says that no matter what she accomplishes on her own: education, independence, happiness, etc, she still needs someone else in her life. There is still a need we all have for connection with another human being. We weren't designed to live in isolation.

Over the last few years I've been learning a lot about that particular need. There is this desire I think most of us have to know someone on a deeper level than just the regular surface-level topics of conversation. And even more than that is the desire to be known on that same level. Of course, that kind of intimacy and trust takes time to build up. Obviously in a marriage, or even in a longer-term dating relationship, a person's spouse would be that primary deep relationship. But does that leave us single people hanging?

I don't think so.

As I've been learning more about myself (or maybe, more accurately, trying to figure myself out) I've been seeing how I've been trying to go about fulfilling that need. Some ways have been good. Other ways have been misdirected, and left me feeling particularly unfulfilled. The areas that have been amazing as far as filling that need to know and be known have been relationships with close girlfriends. With these people, I can truly be myself, and I'm not afraid to share not only the good moments in life, but the things I struggle with, too. I don't have to put on a face and pretend that everything is all right. I can talk about those parts of my character that I don't particularly like, too, or about my screw-ups, and not feel like I'm being judged by them. They are also people who will encourage me, and who will help me to see things about myself that I didn't know before. And most importantly, these are people who will pray with me and for me, and keep me accountable in areas in which I need or want accountability. I also strive to be that kind of a friend for them. In the absence of a spouse, I can be absolutely content with my life as it is because of relationships like these.

Of course, I also think that it's not fair to a man to expect to find total fulfillment of this need (or totally fulfillment in general!) in him alone. So often people think that marriage will make us complete, then are disappointed when they find out that it isn't so. I'm just trying to figure out what it means to be a complete person BEFORE I get married.

Thanks to all my bicycles out there! I couldn't do it without you!

Life is good

I feel a little like I haven't been myself lately. Well, since December, really. And for various reasons that I won't get into now. BUT, I feel like I'm getting back to "me" again! I think this weekend helped a lot. I didn't worry about the "hafta do's" or "oughtta do's," I just did what I wanted. That involved working out (oh yeah, I finally sucked it up and joined a gym - it's really close to my work and I have a friend who goes, too. So far I've been every day after school. Three days and counting! :P ), spending time with friends, going for a hike, shopping for and planting my flowers, spending some time with God, a spur of the moment visit to my parents, etc etc etc. The extra day of the weekend (helped by the fact I got off at noon on Friday and today was a pro-D day - so work, but no kids!) was just what I needed, and I feel refreshed for the first time in a very long time!

aaaaahhhhhh...

And those report cards coming up (alarmingly fast)? Bring 'em on!

Finished!

As of today, for the first time in my life, I have a garden! Well, I have flowers in pots, but same idea. yAhOo! Here are some pictures of the final product (though keep in mind the plants are still babies right now!).

Grow little plants, grow! Bloom little flowers bloom!

My patio! The two pots by the door will be

covered in red blooms soon (I hope!)

Six years ago today

It was a Saturday, and I was working at the Capilano Suspension Bridge. I had to work Sundays, and so hadn't been gonig to church too often, and I was really missing it. The church I was going to at that time had a Saturday service, so I decided to go. By the time I got off work, changed, and took the bus there, I was a little bit late. I had changed, but I felt all icky form a long day of gardening and cleaning. I snuck in and sat off to the side near the back. Maybe 15 or 30 minutes into the service, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I think I was in the middle of singing or something, cause it startled me. I turned around and it was my dad! I thought maybe he had come to go to church with me, but then he motionned for me to come with him into the hall. Maybe he had something to tell me. As soon as we got into the hallway, my dad started crying. He blurted out, "Papa just died." I would find out later that he had had a huge stroke earlier that day. I don't really know what my thoughts were at that point. I was more concerened about my dad. He and Papa were so close. My dad was a mess. He told me later that he hadn't wanted to tell me that way, but when he opened his mouth, that was all that came out. I'm glad he told me that way. It was such a human moment.

As we prepared for his memorial service, every member of our family wrote something, and then the idea was to combine them into one tribute. But when my mom went to compile them all together, she realized that they were all too personal to just be edited into one. So we read them all. Nana and I had both written letters. I remember my mom saying how she read only the first word of Nana's letter and she was in tears.

Nana's letter began, "Dear." That's what she always called Papa. I imagine throughout their marriage it took on many different tones ranging from exhasperated to loving, but to her, he was "Dear." Her letter was full of memories, many from before they were even married. I cried as I saw Nana in a different light - as a teenager falling in love, then getting married. After over 50 years together, two children, three grandchildren, now her husband and best friend was gone.

It was, thankfully, not an entirely sad ceremony. Papa loved Jesus with all his heart. We knew that he was finally home and that we'll get to see him again. In the meanitme, though, there are days like today when I think about him, and miss him so much. He was such a loving, tender man. He was goofy, and always had a story or a joke to tell. It didn't matter that he told the same jokes over and over and over again. We loved the them not for their punchlines, but for the joy Papa got in telling them. He loved photography and nature, things which I, too, love. Two things in paricular remind me of Papa. I have always loved looking at how the mountains fade off into the horizon. Range upon range gets hazier and hazier as they get farther away. I mentionned that to my parents one time shortly after Papa died, and my dad told me that Papa always said the same thing. The other thing that reminds me of him are old barns. He loved to take pictures of old, dilapitated barns - where the roof sags, or they look like they're about to fall over. It sounds strange, I suppose, but he saw the beauty in them. Once sturdy, now left as a memory of days gone by. He has photo upon photo of these old barns that Nana put together in an album for my dad. I love those photos. Whenever I see an old barn or farmhouse, I'm reminded of Papa. (For examples, click here and here - these aren't his photos, but it gives you the idea).

More important than jokes and mountains and farmhouses, though, is the person Papa was and the legacy that he left. My dad grew up watching him an learning from him. The way Papa played, worked, worshipped, spoke, treated my Nana, treated my dad and my aunt, treated others: all this shaped who my dad is today. While I wish that Papa was still around and that now, as an adult, I could continue to get to know him, I can see so much of who he was in my dad, and for that I am so grateful.

On May 22, 1999, Papa finally

got to see his saviour face to face.

My thumbs better turn green right quick!

... cause I just bought a whooole lotta plants! Inspired to spruce up my summer patio, I went out and spent a fortune on plants, soil, and some new plant pots. It's gonna be a beeeeautiful garden paradise by the time I"m finished with it. That is, if I don't manage to kill everything! (eep!) I think it will be good though. I've got drainage in my pots, a plan for keeping them fertilized, etc etc etc. Here's a rundown of what I've got:

* dahlias
* coleus
* blue lubelia
* white alyssum
* new guinea impatiens
* pansies

It's gonna be so purdy! Now all I need is some more dirt!

My flowers: Waiting for a home!

The Complimenting Commenter

What a fabulous idea for a blog! The Complimenting Commenter wanders around the blogosphere leaving compliments wherever he? she? goes! You should SEE the list of blogs that have been comlimented! This is so awesome!

Even more ridiculousness

This follows on the heels of my food rant from a few weeks back...

So remember me talking about the teachers who eat all bran and cottage cheese every day for lunch? Well, it DID look pretty healthy, so I decided to give it a try. You get the fibre, the protein and dairy, and with a pear or some strawberries on top, it's actually not too bad. So, I'm doing pretty good, right? I should be so lucky.

I actually had this conversation today....

Teacher 1: Ha ha, you've really converted people around here to this all-bran lunch!

Teacher 2: (laughing) Yeah!

Teacher 1: (pointing to the box of bran) And you've got the healthy kind, too.

Me: The healthy kind? There's an unhealthy kind of BRAN?!?!

Teacher 1: Oh yeah! All those other brands have sugar in them, and some are made with aspartame. That stuff is awful!

Teacher 2: Yeah, your body can't get rid of it and it bubbles up under your skin.

Me: Bubbles up under your skin?!?!

Teacher 2: Yeah, or something like that. I don't remember exactly, but it's bad.

Teacher 1: And it's been shown to cause cancer in lab rats!

Teacher 3: (my best friend at this particular moment in time for saying this) Yes, but they have also shown that ORANGE PEEL causes cancer in lab rats. You have to take those studies with a grain of salt.

Me: (in my head) Touche! Except of course, salt will kill you, too!


So there you have it. I bought a box of WHEAT BRAN. How much healthier can you get??? But noooo, apparently it's gonna make some chemical bubble up under my skin! Or something.

Oh yeah, and cantoloupes? You're supposed to scrub them with a vegetable brush under running water before you cut them, because it's the fruit most likely to give you salmonella. You're supposedly (according to the lunchroom ladies) at a higher risk of salmonella from a cantoloupe than from raw chicken.

My lunchroom 'education' continues. I think my eyes are going to fall out of their sockets they're rolling around so much! :P

For those of you who are going to caution me that aspartame really *IS* is bad, yes I know, I know, I know! It's always a general rule to avoid it. My incredulousness is the extreme that food choices are taken to!

Magic Gems

So I was just checking my stat counter, and it's always interesting to see how people find my blog. Sometimes it comes from search engines like Yahoo or Google. Usually the search words are something to do with my title (seeing as it's a song and all...). But today someone from Las Vegas found my blog by the most curious search string... I don't know if they found what they were looking for, but they found my blog! So what was it, you ask?

"magic gems that make people fall in love with me"

My blog came up third! Hmm....

Hmmm....

Not much going on right now. School/work (I still don't know what to call it!) is motoring by - six weeks left! ('Course then I"m teaching summer school for the month of July, but I'm trying now to think about that at this point!) I'm super tired right now, but I think it's not because I"m so crazy busy so much as because I've just gotton lazy. Or something. I'm so tired/frustrated/stressed after work that I get home and expend no energy, which means that in turn I actually HAVE no energy. Don't know quite how that math works out, but it's true all the same. I've got to get more active! I'm thinking about joining a gym (I had a freebie workout with a friend last week and it was so much fun!) but I'm having a hard time swallowing the $40/month price tag. It's just another bill and I'm not sure my budget could handle it. Hmm... Excuses excuses.

Anyway, on another topic, I just got back from voting. I went grudgingly, but I went. Really, who's the best option? The Liberals? I can't stand their bottom-line cut cut cut and ignore the effects on the people outlook (and cutting dollars and returning pennies doesn't count as increasing funding!). Not to mention the fact that that what they're donig in my particular profession is totally hurting kids and undermining the professional judgement of teachers. The NDP? Sure they'll pay more attention to people, but at what cost? Where does the money come from? At least the Liberals recognize that we can't just keep spending what's not there. And honestly, so much of the NDP campaign has been about pointing out how bad they think the Liberals are, and not nearly as much about saying what they're actually gonna do. The Greens? Sure, sustainability is the best way to go, but how realistic are the changes that they're proposing? I don't think they're ready to form governement. BAH! Who to choose? Well, I marked my X, but honestly don't feel like it'll make any difference. Though I can say I'm the most informed on issues than I've ever been before. I've actually amazed myself that I've even written so mcuh on this topic here already! Polictics. Bah. A necessary evil, I suppose?

And finally...

...

...

Nope, that's it. Thought I had something else to say. I don't. I'm gonna go do my dishes now. :)

Clear Messages

I really don't like this about me: I can't seem to escape the tendency to do a quick evaluation of any guy I meet to see if they might be someone I could be interested in. Why can't I put that selfish bent out of my head and just be content to have met another neat person? I feel like there's a disconnect between what I'd like to think I'm like with people - genuinely caring about who they are and what they care about simply because they're made in the image of God and are valuable human beings - and what goes on in my head: Either "Ok, this guy's not for me" or "Hmm, this guy's interesting!" And if I think the latter, I'm constantly evaluating in my head, running off a little checklist: cool, he likes ___, wow he's really ___, neat, we have ___ in common ... check check check. It's terrible! I feel like it's such a selfish way to think about people, and if left unchecked I could see how thought could easily turn into action: befriending someone only because there's "potential" there and then dropping him after discovering that nothing was going to happen. God forbid I ever do that. So how do I stop that thought process?

There have been a few times in the last few months where I've met someone and had lots of those little check boxes marked off. "Hmm! This guy could be interesting!" A mini crush has started to develop until, usually that same day, something comes up that makes me realize it's not right. I really think it's God quietly telling me "no" and whether I choose to listen to it or not, the answer is there. I have to think that I'll know if one day the answer is "yes."