Fruitless Jealousy

I was NOT expecting this.

So I thought I was supposed to know myself better than this. I thought it was all good. I know you're not interested, and I'm not even sure we're a good match, either. But - darn you! - you still affect me more than I thought. And all this as I was planning to call you up this week and just let you know that everything is totally cool. I was going to tell you that I think I'm weirding you out, but I"m just treating you the same way I would any other friends. Now I don't know. Am I overly friendly, because deep down I"m hoping that something will happen again, after we get to know each other a little better? Or am I really just treating you like I treat everybody else?

First it was the slip of paper with your email on it that caught me off guard. Then tonight it became very clear that a friend of mine is interested in you. I thought she was flirting with you last time we all hung out, but tonight I asked her (I guess I'm just a sucker for punishment) and her reply? "Oh, YEAH!"

Instantly I wanted to tell her that you and I had a thing, whatever it was, and then I wanted to tell her to be careful, not cause you're bad, but maybe because you're unsure of what you want. Maybe. Maybe that's not fair, I don't know. But there was this feeling in the pit of my stomach that told me, "this must be stopped." I felt like she was taking away a second chance that I may have had.

I had a flash of jealousy.

It was strange. I have not had that feeling very often at all. All of these thoughts occurred in a split second, and of course, I kept my mouth shut. What good would it have done to say anything?

"Well, we had this thing, and I think he might not have been ready for a relationship, or something, so just be careful." Who am I to say that? I don't know that for sure. The last thing I want to do is to make you look bad, especially when it's based on something I don't even know. And it's not like you hurt me. You were very gracious and just explained where you were coming from. So what warning does she need?

"You know, he and I kinda... well... um... hung out a bit." Yeah? So? It's not like you were my boyfriend, and even if you were, we're not anything now. So why CAN'T she flirt?

And yet everything in me reared up against it. But of course, this kind of jealousy has no point. If nothing is happening between you and I, well of course, go look somewhere else, or at least enjoy the attention. I have no right to say anything.

Instead I sat quietly back and watched the two of you interact this evening. You had no idea what it was doing to me. I guess this is the time where I face up to the fact that nothing is gonna happen. I can't hope for it.

It hurts when hope dies, especially when you keep thinking it's dead and you're over it, then it lifts up it's head and says, 'Hey no, I'm still here!" only to get knocked down again.

I want you to be able to just be my friend - no weirdness, no expectations, no jealousy. No pain. I wonder if that's going to happen? How many more surprises will there be along the way?

I don't want you to affect me like this.