Rebirth, part seven: Alive!

From the time I signed up to work at Kawkawa for a week as a cabin leader, I was open to the possibility that things would be very different than what I had remembered. I was open to change, to something new. And when my friends dropped me off after our camping trip, I didn't really know what to expect.

I was nervous, actually. Overwhelmingly happy to be at camp - with kids, not just for work days!!! - don't get me wrong, but nervous. I hadn't worked at camp since I had become a teacher. What if I couldn't put the "teachery" me away and just be a camp counselor again? And really. I remember going to camp as a kid. There was always one counselor who was significantly older than everybody else, and I always prayed I wouldn't end up in the "old counselor's" cabin. And now? I WOULD BE THAT GIRL! hahaha! Seriously! Most of the staff were aged 16-20! Gak! (They were awesome!)

The age thing really wasn't an issue, and I found it was good to have a few teacher tricks in my pocket for one or two little monkeys. When their sixteen year old counselor was having no success in getting Mr Monkey to comply and he was at the end of his rope, I whipped out the teacher voice. "Mr. Monkey... that's ONE. " He looked at the counselor, looked at me, and did as he was told immediately. Is it wrong that I totally loved the fact that the counselor, poor kid, just looked at me like I was magic or something? Tee hee hee!

Ah, but I digress. I was prepared for new, for different. But what there was was the same Kawkawa I had always known - new faces, updated songs, yes, but it was so very recognizable as CAMP. It was still Kawkawa. The same schedule, the same traditions, the same games and shenanigans... the same God continuing to work in all kids of amazing ways. It felt so very good to be there.

I had five girls in my cabin - three aged 7 and two aged 9 - and they were awesome! I couldn't have asked for a better group of girls. We swam and ate and played and kayaked and sang and shot rifles and did crafts and giggled and caught frogs... and learned one more time about how deep God's love runs.



Some highlights:

* The first night at campfire, I stood there, in that place I never thought I'd be in again, singing, doing all manner of goofy actions, watching the campers, and working so very hard at not bawling my eyes out as joy welled up inside me.

* My girls rising to every challenge and pushing themselves farther than they thought they could go - from extreme homesickness to maneuvering a kayak to holding a snake to sticking with a friend in a hard time to getting up in front of a group to do drama for the first time... they were so brave, and I was so proud of them!

* Singing with "Tang" our junior counselor in the cabin and one of my girls asking if we could sing the song (a version of Amazing Grace) at campfire. "Tang" played the guitar and all five girls sang in front of everyone. They were amazing! ... And I'm not just saying that - I know how off key kids can sing, but these girls sang together, on pitch, beautifully! All I did was hold the flashlight for them. They sounded like angels!

* Surprising my girls with a sleep-out on the last night of camp. I set up a tarp and after campfire and the outdoor movie, we dragged our sleeping bags, pillows and all-important stuffies down to the beach for a night of star-gazing and outdoor awesomeness. Being the beginning of August, there were lots of shooting stars, and it was SO much fun to hear the girls get all excited as they watched. A few of them had never seen a shooting start before! We lay there, watched, and talked about how amazing God's creation is. Falling asleep under the stars... there's not much better!

* Waking up around 4:30am on the beach to very VERY loud rumbling: a thunder storm was rolling in. I lay there for a moment, waiting for the rain, but there was none. Lightning came, far away at first, but I could tell the storm was coming closer. Do I wake the girls, or will it stay away? Gradually I began to feel a drip......................... drip......................... drip............... drip........... drip..... drip.... drip... drip.. drip. Faster and faster the drops began to fall so I sprang to my feet to wake the girls up. Not wanting to scare them (how on EARTH were they still sleeping through this thunder???), but also needing to wake them and get back to the cabin quickly, I began to call, "Girls! Wake up! It's starting to rain! We need to go inside. Giiiiirllllls... Wake up!" Once they realized there was a crazy storm going on - it was L-O-U-D and RIGHT on top of us: bolts of lightning shot through the sky and cracks of thunder sounded simultaneously with light that lit up the whole beach - they got a little nervous, but I just laughed and told them, "What an ADVENTURE!!!" Uhhhh.... yeah... an advennnnnture! We wrapped our stuff around us and scurried up the hill to the cabin. The storm was right on top of us, and it was by far the loudest thunder storm I have ever heard in my entire life. One crack of thunder sounded like an explosion - just one big, err.... thunderous BANG! We got back into the cabin JUST in time for the skies to open and it started to absolutely MONSOON. The rain on the tin roof was nearly deafening, not to mention the continuing thunder and blazing lightning. After about a half an hour, the rain had eased and the storm was fading farther and farther away. The girls had calmed down and fallen back asleep around 5:30am. We woke up a very few short hours later to blue skies, the soaking wet ground and drip-drip-dripping trees the only evidence of the insanity that had passed through earlier that night.

At camp, there's always SOMETHING!

It was such a privilege to be there - to be there for Kawkawa's first summer back, to have such fantastic girls in my cabin, to get to be a part of this ministry that I love with all my heart.

Kawkawa is alive once more! I can't wait to see what God will do there in the years to come.



View the full photo set here.

Work Day!

We painted floors and primed and painted walls in the cottages today. I decided to paint the "I *heart* Kawkawa" message on the wall first. Um, it still shows through the paint. I'm hoping a second coat will take care of that. Hehehe... whoops!

Rebirth, part five: Made New

It was a grey, November day when I went back to camp for the first time since the farewell nearly two years previous. The previously well-kept camp was showing all the signs of being all but abandoned over two winters. Windows were broken and a few doors were smashed down where vandals had broken in and left their mark. Buildings were dusty and cold and leaking, and a fallen electrical pole had cut off power to many buildings. The grass on the field was knee high, and two autumns worth of dead fall covered the ground. The tiny stream had jumped its bank and cut a deep channel through the middle of the beach, washing half the sand away with it. The docks were partially buried and half sunken into the lake, and tiny trees had sprung up where we used to play beach volleyball. The big windstorms of two winters ago had knocked a few trees down farther up the property, and where there used to be a gravel and dirt clearing in the forest around the chalets, saplings and weeds now grew nearly four feet high. The campfire area - that sacred place where I and so many other campers had met God in such life-altering ways - was strewn with garbage and broken beer bottles from people looking for a far removed place to party.

It was hard to be there, to see how this beautiful place that had meant so much to me had begun to fall apart. I had thought about going up to see the camp in the past, but really didn't know if I wanted to. I wanted it to live in my memory as it had been - bright, well-kept, full of kids, noisy, alive. I didn't know what condition it would be in, and didn't know if I could bear seeing it closed and boarded up, overgrown and empty. And yet, there I was...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have a friend named Cathy who lives in Sydney, Australia. She and I met at camp a number of years ago, and we quickly became friends. She's been back a few times since then, once for an extended stay, living with me while she did her practicum. This past August she was in town visiting again. It was a sunny Sunday afternoon, and a bunch of our friends were walking up Main St. for a leisurely after-church lunch. Kawkawa came up in conversation, and it was then that Cathy told me, "Hey, did you hear that they're opening again?"

I nearly tripped on my own feet. "What?! But how? Huh? Are you sure? Really!?!?! ... And how do YOU, who live in Australia know about this before I do?"

"I don't know! I'm on some mailing list, apparently. I got a letter saying they were opening up, and to please pray for the whole process."

I can't even describe how thrilled I was. There may or may not have been some overjoyed squealing and spontaneous jig-dancing in the middle of the sidewalk right then and there. I very quickly began doing some research and making some phone calls and found out that, indeed, Kawkawa was going to be opening once more! I didn't know how, or why, or any details ("Wasn't the mountain unstable???") but yes, it was true!

Over the next few months, I learned more and more, and knew that I HAD to be involved again. And so, one cold November Saturday morning, three friends and I drove up to Hope for the first scheduled work day to begin getting camp ready for campers to arrive this summer. Yes, the camp was in bad shape, but there was not the weight of sadness there that was there the last time I was there. Instead, there was laughter. There were hugs. There was hope.

We had food cooking in the kitchen, and there was the sound of people all over the site - working, clearing away the death, bringing new life to Camp Kawkawa. Crews were raking leaves, demolishing trailers, cleaning floors, burning debris and leaves, surveying the camp and making lists of all the work that had to be done. There was a buzz of excitement in the air as we all worked towards a common purpose.

At the end of the day, I went down to the lake and walked out to the end of the dock. Smoke from our fires had escaped the cover of the trees and had seeped down to the water, cirlcing around, adding to the greyness of the day. I sat down on the edge and looked out across the lake. How many times had I sat there? How many times had I escaped the craziness of camp to go and sit, surrounded by the awe-inspiring mountains on either side and the calm water in front of me, just enjoying time with God.

The weather might have been grey, but my heart had exploded with hope, with colour, with beauty. Everywhere I looked, I saw rebirth, from the bulbs planted in the garden just waiting for spring, to the dead fall being cleared away and burned, to the excitement and anticipation of campers arriving that very first week of summer ready to experience a rebirth of their own.

So many of the questions we had when it closed now make sense, and it's beyond exciting to see how God has worked things all the way through this process. He is clearly not finished working at Kawkawa and I am SO excited to see what He's going to do in the years to come!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
That November work day was the first day of something that has become such a large part of my life. From planning meetings with Rita, the executive director, to information meetings, to networking, to promotions, to speaking at different groups at my church about opportunities to help, to hours spent on powerpoint presentations, to monthly trips up to camp to rake, garden, demolish, build, clean... I am SO thrilled to be involved with camp again. Chances are if you know me in real life, you've thought at least once (probably more!), "OK! Hillary! Enough about camp already!" Recently a friend teased me that it seems not a week goes by without an email from me involving something to do with Kawkawa.

With all this involvement, um, it's been a little strange not being able to talk about it on my blog (though that's been purely my own restriction). After the "closed" post, I didn't really know how to begin the next post. I don't even know how many times I'd started it and not completed it. I knew it would take a long time to write - to get the feeling just right, to capture what was going on in my heart, in my head. And so it didn't happen and didn't happen and didn't happen. But all that time, I was doing more and more with camp, and didn't really know how to summarize it all. I kinda feel bad that I've not been talking about such an amazing, exciting part of my life. But then I just decided, this is silly. I so badly want to keep talking about camp. I need to just write this post, not worry about getting it 'just right' and get on with it. So here I am. Sorry it's taken me so long. There will be more installments to come!

Rebirth, part four: Closed

[ If you're new around here, check out installments one, two and three of Rebirth to make a little more sense of this entry! ]

It was January 15, 2006. I was on a huge high from buying my new (to me) and issue-free car after my Beastmobile got munched. I called my mom to tell her about my car, and she mentioned a teeny weenie little announcement in their church bulletin: "Due to geological concerns, Camp Kawkawa will be closing down at the end of January." And with that, my high came crashing down. That was it. No more information, no warning, nothing. Closed.

I found out a week later at the farewell that the camp had had a geological survey done in hopes that the 20 year building ban on the site would finally be lifted and that they could finally expand and build, having acquired the evidence that the site was indeed safe from landslide risks and other geological activity. It turned out that the survey found just the opposite, and that there was absolutely nothing the camp could do. It's not like they ran out of money and just needed a big fundraising drive. No, the mountain might fall down. Who's gonna send their kids? Any takers?

Hands were absolutely tied, and everyone - in complete shock - made the decision to close the camp.

Armed with a mighty stash of kleenex, I attended the farewell. I took part in some of the activities, but then went off on my own and walked the site. From waterfront to dining hall to field to campfire to cabins to chalets to archery and riflery, to heibertisme, and finally to campfire. Every square inch of that place held vivid memories for me. Some fun, some painful, some deeply profound. I stopped in each place, for each memory, and cried. But I also prayed, committing those memories, those people, that place to God. It was all His, anyway.


Finally pulling myself together, I went back to the dining hall for the last function that would ever be held there. I remember it as a place that was filled with life - sunlight streaming in, the lake glistening down below, the ear-splitting din of a hundred kids eating and laughing and (more often than not) banging cups and plates and utensils, counsellors doing all manner of wacky things to get their hands on a much-appreciated piece of mail. The dining hall was alive in my memory, but on this day, a frosty, gloomy, January day, that life was dimmed. It was good to see people I hadn't seen in years, but, like at a dear friend's funeral, you wished you weren't seeing them under those circumstances. We hugged, we cried, we prayed. We shared memories and photos, and reassured each other that Kawkawa wasn't really the place, but the people, and that it would never truly be gone. And we only half believed it.

And then we sang. Amidst the sorrow, we worshipped. We didn't understand why God was allowing this to happen. Why God would let such a place used for His glory, such a powerful ministry, come to such a sudden and sad end. But still we knew that God is good, and that He had a plan. If He would let Kawkawa close, surely He had something better in mind, though none of us could imagine what. But we continued to sing.

One song hit me hard. Did I really believe what I was singing?

Blessed be Your name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name
And blessed be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name

Every blessing You pour out I'll
Turn back to praise
And when the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's "all as it should be"
Blessed be You name
And blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out I'll
Turn back to praise
And when the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
Really? Could I really sing "Blessed be your name?" Really? And then came the words, like a punch in the gut:

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say,
Lord blessed be Your name
Through my tears I pleaded. "Lord, you gave us this camp. WHY now do you take it away? We've just renovated the chapel, we've just done all this work on the grounds. We have to turn a hundred kids away every summer. Why? WHY now do you yank this way from us? Help me. Help my heart choose to bless your name now. Cause I don't understand. I know you have a plan, somehow, but I just don't get it."

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord blessed be your name...
I drove the two hour drive home alone. I couldn't get that refrain from my head. That, and the words "Closed." "Over." "Empty." "Gone." What would happen to the buildings? Would they just be left to waste away? I pictured the forest taking over, moss growing on the roofs, the walls rotting away. "You give and take away, you give and take away. My heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be your name." Could they sell the land? Who could buy it? It's not like they could build houses there, with the geological risks. What would camp become? "Closed." "Over." "Empty." "Gone." I thought of my conversation with Paulette, a beloved year-round staff person there. We both simply could not picture that once noisy, boisterous waterfront quiet. Still. "You give and take away." I thought about how I had always dreamed I would send my own children there one day. "Closed." "Over." "Empty." "Gone." I arrived home absolutely emotionally wrecked. While it was good to have a chance to say a proper 'goodbye,' it was among the saddest days of my life.

I cried every day after that for at least two weeks, and then sporadically for a few months after that. It honestly felt like a death. It's the hardest thing to describe, but that place, those people... the impact that camp had on my life... I couldn't believe it was over.

Time, as it does, eventually took the intensity of emotion away, but Kawkawa was still on my mind a lot. I began a website where people could write in with their memories, tell stories of their time there, acknowledge people who had made an impact on their lives, and write about the ways their life was impacted by their time at camp. It was my way of keeping camp alive, of doing something to deal with what felt like the loss of an incredibly significant part of my childhood and my spiritual development. Slowly, over the period of about a year, I came to grips with the fact that Camp Kawkawa - my haven, my "God place," my was gone for good.

I remember telling God that day that he had sure better have a bigger plan. Cause this plan sucked...

Rebirth, part three: On Staff

It was Spring Break, 1995, and I was finally old enough to go the Leadership Training up at camp. I was going to work on staff at Kawkawa that summer, and I could hardly wait.

Leadership itself was a great week - seminars, training, lots of work, and so much information I thought my head was going to pop. Bertski, Professor, and Prem (the director at the time) poured their hearts into us that week. It was intense and loads of fun.

Summer finally arrived, and I had been given three weeks to work - the first two weeks of July and the very last week of August. I was a junior counsellor for one week and taught some activities and helped run a Bible study the next. I was so sad to leave at the end of my first two weeks. At the end of the summer, I came back as a camper for my last year then stayed the weekend before the last week of camp. It was then that Prem asked me if I would like my own cabin for the last week. I was beyond thrilled that he thought I was ready for the challenge of going it alone.

And so I got my very first group of girls: Ellen, Ashleigh, and Kandace. It didn't matter to me that it was only three girls, I was going to be the best counsellor there ever was! It was such a great week, and solidified my desire to work at camp for many more years to come.

And many more years there were. I continued to work at camp for another seven years after that, anywhere from one to nine weeks each summer. If I thought I had grown as a camper, my years there on staff would blow me away.

It was on staff at Kawkawa that I had the honour of praying with someone as they decided to become a Christian for the first time. It was on the back steps of Chalet 401. I will never forget how I felt God niggling at me all day to ask this girl if she wanted to become a Christian. About how scared I was to actually bring it up, and about how eagerly she said yes. I was so excited that I thought I was going to pop. I ran back down to the campfire where the non-counselling staff were still praying and told Bertski about it because I just couldn't contain my joy. She gave me a hug and then told me to go get back to my cabin of girls. Oh yeah! Whoops! (Good thing I was a junior counsellor and there was still someone with them!)

It was on staff where I first saw how much the Bible is a living book. It was the hardest week of camp I had ever experienced. I had a really challenging group of girls, and I was having some conflicts with some other staff, too. I was at the end of my rope. About halfway through the week (um, DUH! Why did it take me so long???), I opened my Bible randomly and had never had something jump out at me in such a vivid, life-giving way. It spoke directly to what I was dealing with and was exactly what I needed to hear. It went so far beyond coincidence. The passage I read encouraged me, chastised me, and gave me comfort and hope. I came to see that God was (and is!) in that book, alive and well, and oh so relevant.

It was on staff that I saw God work in SO many different ways. Big, small, ordinary and extraordinary. It was amazing to get to see him work through me, in me, and often despite me, and in and through so many other people, too. Camp is not the only place I've experienced this, but the thing about camp is that all the rest of life's pressures and messiness just isn't there, so it's much easier to see things more clearly. And seeing God work and answer prayer at camp was training for seeing Him work in the 'real world,' where sometimes it's not so recognizable amidst the stress and business of regular life.

It was on staff that I had one of my most humbling moments - where God began teaching me to back off on my own plan, cause his is so much better. (Oh how I wish it only took that once to learn that lesson! It's gonna be a lifetime before I get that one down!) It was a particularly hot week, and I had wanted to surprise my girls by sleeping down on the dock. I had gotten permission, and waited till they were all ready for bed before I surprised them. They were so excited to get to sleep outside, and I'm sure one of the reasons was that it was about a kajilion degrees in our cabin. We bundled up our sleeping bags and pillows and made our trek down the giant hill to the beach, only to find that some of the junior counsellors were swimming and the dock was soaking wet.

It was definitely not one of my proudest moments when I told off the junior staff leader and made it perfectly clear how annoyed I was that now we couldn't sleep on the dock. I was disappointed for my girls, too, who were really looking forward to this. So, up we trekked back to our cabin - waaay up the hill - and had to go back into our sweltering cabin to sleep after being out in the cool breezy summer air down at the beach. *grumble grumble grumble* At staff meeting the next morning, I made sure that EVERYBODY knew that I'd like my girls to sleep on the dock, so puh-leeeease don't go swimming after campfire.

Take two. It wasn't a surprise, but the girls were still looking forward to sleeping out. After we all got settled on the dock, we began looking up at the stars. "Hey! There's a shooting star!" "And another one!" "Look! I just saw one, too!" It turns out that that night, and not the night before, was the night of the huge August meteor shower. We lay awake for hours watching falling stars and talking about God's creation, reading Psalms and praising God for his creativity and beauty. Ok, God, I get it. You've got a better plan! :P

And it was on staff that I made one of the biggest discoveries about myself I've made so far. For a year or so, I had been plagued with the question of "What's my passion?" I saw people with a passion for scuba diving, or a passion for missions, or a passion for sports and on and on... But what was mine? Sure, I liked a lot of different things, but I couldn't call any of them "my passion." I guess in some ways it was a quest for purpose: what is my purpose, my calling - where that place where my great love and the world's great need intersected?

Well, it was the last night of the second to last week of camp in 2001. I had had the most incredible week - I had the best cabin I've ever had, and witnessed some extremely meaningful changes in the lives of every single girl in my cabin. It was a particularly impacting week for many, many campers, not to mention staff. We were at campfire on the last night, and I found myself looking around. The kids - many who had never once set foot in a church in their lives - were singing with all their hearts, arms raised to heaven, knowing what it felt like to experience the love of God. They were deciding to trust him, choosing to accept the gift he offers.

It was at that moment that I knew. What's my passion? It's here. It's this. It's helping kids come to a greater understanding of who God is and what he's done for them. It's seeing lives changed. I've struggled since then to understand how that translates to the 'real world,' as sadly, camp is not a year round event. But it's trying to see how that works into my daily life - in whatever role I'm in - that will be the lifelong lesson. It was on staff at Kawkawa where I realized that nothing gets to my heart quicker than a child in love with God. And to have God allow me to help that happen? That's my passion.

Rebirth, part two: Campfire

It's summertime, and the sun has slipped behind the mountains, bathing the lake in orange as it set. The sky is turning a deep blue now, and campers are making their way up the path to the campfire, their feet crunching the dry gravel beneath them. Their voices are hushed after a twilight discussion, the shouts of the day's activities now subdued and calmed.

Two trees mark the entrance to the campfire area. Rows of rough benches - nothing more than heavy planks on wooden supports - are arranged in a semi circle around this sacred place. Moss-covered boulders, ferns, and scraggly trees rise up the side of the mountain behind them, while the patio lights of the cabins further up the hill pierce through the dark branches. There is a fence closing off the open side of the semi-circle - tall wooden boards painted green, all different lengths, their pointed tops drawing your eyes skyward. Perhaps they were intended to look like the evergreens that surround them. Perhaps they are a reminder to just look up.

Those who like the heat of the fire sit up front, while others scurry to the back row or make sure to sit beside their new-found friend or favourite counsellor. Near or far, everybody is mesmerized by the flames at some point, staring into the blazing, dancing, brightness; lost in the worship, lost in the story, lost in their own thoughts.

As the campfire flickers it sends sparks soaring upwards. My eyes follow them until they disappear, but by then it is not the sparks that have my attention. I crane my neck upwards and stare at the towering trees that surround this little circle of heaven. There is an open patch of now-dark sky directly above the flames. A handful of stars are visible in the opening, and I am in awe.

This is a cathedral. This is where God dwells, where he draws near, where his presence is felt. This is where lives are changed.

This is where my life was changed, over and over again. This is my "God place."

Rebirth, part one

When I was eight years old, my nana and papa gave me a birthday present. I still remember where I was when I got it: the atrium section of the old White Spot in West Vancouver. The gift wasn't much to look at, but it would be one that would change my life. It was a card telling me that they had registered me for summer camp. I would be heading off to Camp Kawkawa for one week once school was out.

The time finally came (it's a long wait for a little kid from the beginning of February till summer!) and my parents drove me out to Surrey to catch the camp bus bound for Hope, the little town where the camp was located. Fearless little monkey that I was, I hopped on a bus full of kids I'd never met before in my life, and waved goodbye to my parents, who were definitely having a harder time saying goodbye than I was. I was off for an adventure!

Little did I know then what an adventure I'd be in for.

I don't remember much of that first week of camp, except vague pictures in my mind of my counsellors - Sudsy and Coke - and one of the crafts we did: leather bookmarks that we decorated with leather stamps... They were so cool!

The next year, of course, I wanted to go back. And the next, and the next. I didn't miss a summer - from kids camps to junior then senior teens. I loved the counsellors there - Bunta, Dewey, Squeak, Bertski, Prem, Link, Chunk, Gump, Squab, Lucy, Derby, Crocket, Festus... the list could go on and on. So many of them made such lasting impacts on my life.

And I met lots of great friends there, too. Every summer my address book would be full of new addresses - people I'd write to every now and then, maybe call on the phone once in a while (back in the days when it was a big deal to call long distance to the next suburb. Definitely no email or facebook to keep in touch back then!). They were all people I couldn't wait to see again the following summer.

The location was beautiful, the water was warm, the food was great (oh Georgy Porgy, you were the best cook!), the skits were hilarious, the activities were always fun. It was there I learned how to have a camera war, how to paddle -and tip! - a canoe, how to shoot a bow and arrow, how to watch the counsellor at the table like a hawk so I wasn't the last one to put my thumb up and be stuck scraping the dishes with "Mr. Scrapey." I learned goofy songs and ridiculous wide games, and I learned that sleeping out on the beach was an amazing experience - unless of course the counsellors woke you up early and told you that you were all going to play a trick on the director and sneak over to the provincial park across the lake via canoe. Let me tell you, 80 kids trying to hide behind two outhouse buildings just doesn't work. Grizzly was M-A-D when he got in the camp boat and came looking for us. Kids were in tears, the lifeguard threw down his whistle and quit, stomping off into the forest. Counsellors were mad, we were terrified of our punishment, and it all blew up... until Grizzly finally told us all that it was all a big joke, he'd planned it all, and YAY! We were going to have a pancake breakfast in the park.

Man, that all sounds so awful written out. It was pretty funny at the time, and I have only warm memories of the famous "Sneak." Maybe that's also because that was also the day I found out that my very first cousin was born (he's in grade 12 now!).

I learned all kinds of things at Camp Kawkawa, but the biggest impact that camp made on me was on my faith. It was there where I felt that my faith really grew the most - where I learned the most about God and about what it meant to be a Christian. It was all around me at home, too, but it somehow seemed that there, between the mountains and at the edge of the lake, away from "normal life" and school and parents and pressures, I could really experience God in ways I never had before.

Every year I left camp on a high. I felt like a new person every time I got home. The thrill would subside, but the lessons remained. It was at camp that I remember Gump sitting with me on the back bench of the campfire, ignoring what was going on around us and stopping to pray for my friend April, who was at camp with me and had just gotten called away to take a phone call about her mom who was very sick. I learned that I can pray any time, anywhere, for anything, regardless of what's going on around me.

I remember Bunta telling me straight up that I had a bad attitude when I kept complaining about the girls in my cabin practicing their cheerleading routines every night. I remember telling her, "You know what? You're right," and being so grateful she called me out on it. Those girls stopped annoying me from that moment on, cause I realized it was really me being the twit. (And funnily enough, one of those girls now is a fairly regular sub at my school!)

I remember Matilda's Bible study sessions one week when I was fourteen. She challenged us to make ourselves available for God. I did, and recommitted my life to Jesus that week. I would say that that was the week when my faith really became my own and I became a Christian because I knew it was what I wanted to do, not becuase my parents told me so.

I remember the campfires - the songs, the stories, the testimonies kids told on the last night of camp about how God had impacted their lives that week at camp. I can see their faces lit with an orange glow as they stood by the fire and told their story - of their life back at home - good, bad, or otherwise, of their struggle with friends, of new commitments they wanted to make, of what God was teaching them. I remember how they impacted me. I shared my stories, too, at the edge of that campfire. Of how God had challenged me, of who I was, who I wanted to be. Of renewed commitments and a refreshed soul.

I remember knowing that I wanted to keep going to camp as long as I could, and when I was too old to be a camper, that I wanted to work there. So when I was sixteen, I applied to work as a Leader In Training...

Thoughts on God and Kawkawa

Click the button to visit "Camp Kawkawa Rembered"

I haven't blogged much in the last week. I've been kind of at a loss of what to say. (ME? Impossible!) I've been busy and I'm still thinking a lot about Camp Kawkawa. I'm still in shock that it's gone (well, closed).

I went up there last Saturday for a farewell open house. It was kind of a bitter sweet day. More bitter than sweet, to be honest. I saw some old friends, and that was good, but it was hard to see that beautiful location and know that that was the last function that would ever happen there. It was really last minute, too, because the decision to close the camp had come so quickly, so there were tons of people who couldn't make it or who don't even know yet that it's closed.

When I got there, I went all the way to the top of the property and started a kind of prayer walk/memory walk. I tried to go to each part of camp and just spend some time in each place bringing up memories and committing them to God. The hardest thing was seing the staff. Giggles, Rainbow, Mr Pots... they were all hoping to retire there. The new Director, Tim, just started in May. He and his wife were hoping to be there for 10-15 years. They made it seven months.

Giggles (er, Paulette) and I cried at the thought of the empty beach this summer. Where the hot summer air was once full of the sounds of kids playing and laughing and praising God, there will now only be silence and emptiness.

Man, I have a lot of memories from that place, both fun memories and memories of lessons and decisions that have shaped who I am today. I think that's why it's so hard to see the camp close: it's had such a huge impact on my faith, and I've linked that, probably too much, with camp. It's like once camp is gone, that part of who I am - while it's still there and can never be taken from me - no longer has a physical place to be tied to. The plan is to find a new location and start a new camp. That will be good, but it will never be the same. But really, when are we ever promised that things will stay the same?

There were lots of tears on Saturday, but the biggest ones fell when we were singing "Blessed Be Your Name." I've never had a hard time singing that before, but this time was different.

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say,
Lord, Blessed be Your name
It was a reminder that God gave this camp to us, and now he's taking it away. Nobody knows why. Everybody was saying last Saturday that if God is taking away such a wonderful, God-honouring, life-changing place, he must have something so much better up his sleeve. It's just hard to say goodbye and not know what's going to happen next.

Even as I was thinking about that, I came accross a newsletter from another camp that gave me yet a different perspective: I've often thanked God for giving us Camp Kawkawa, and now I'm wondering why he's taking it away. But in reality, it was never really given to us. Camp Kawkawa is God's. It always was. He's just invited us to use it. I'm so grateful for that invitiation.

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* See pictures from Saturday's farewell party here.
* If you, too, have spent any time at Camp Kawkawa, please go to Camp Kawkawa Remembered and share a favourite memory. I am collecting stories that will be added to a book about Kawkawaand I'd love to hear your story.

I've got the kleenex handy

Click the button to visit "Camp Kawkawa Rembered"

Um, so this is my fourth post today. Sorry gang, it's been a really eventful Sunday for me, not to mention the rest of the weekend. Yikes.

I guess life goes in a cycle of highs and lows. This low hit me pretty hard today. I'm still not convinced I can get through typing this without tears. I've already had a few crying sessions this afternoon and evening.

Just after I got home today, I was in a fantabulous mood (scroll down to find out why). Then my mom called me to tell me about an announcement she saw in the bulletin this morning at their church: "Due to geological concerns, Camp Kawkawa will be closing down at the end of January. " The camp is built on the side of a mountain, and after having a geological survey done, they found that there was too great of a risk of landslides. In order to continue operating, every guest would have to sign a waiver to stay there. That's simply too damaging. Nobody would come. So Camp Kawkawa is closing. Forever.

I felt like I had been punched in the gut.

Camp Kawkawa is a Christian kids camp up in Hope that has been a huge part of my life since I was little. My Nana and Papa first sent me there when I was eight years old, and I spent at least a week (sometimes eight or nine weeks) there every summer for the next sixteen years. It's been two and a half years since I last worked there, but I've gone up to visit and to volunteer for a weekend here and there, and have been up the most recently for a church retreat last May.

It is my favourite place in the whole wide world. Not only is it an incredibly beautiful spot, but the experiences I have had there have shaped so much of who I am today, particularily in regards to my faith. I have grown and learned SO much there. I simply can't put into words how much I love that place. I've said before that as soon as I arrive on the property, I feel as if my soul can relax. It is a refuge for me, a sacred place.

I know of course that even though the buildings will be gone (uh, oh, here come the tears), the effect it's had on me and on thousands of other people can never be taken away. What God has done through that ministry will last even beyond this life. I take comfort in that, but I can't bear the tought of never again being able to huff it up that killer hill to the girls chalets, play a game of beach volleyball with 50 kids, watch a skit night in the dining hall, pray for my cabin of girls in the staff lounge, teach a kid how to shoot an arrow or paddle a kayak, and see kids come to a deeper understanding of God as they go about the activities of the week.

They are hoping to relocate at some point, but it will never be Kawkawa again.

There will be a final Open House Farewell on Saturday January 21 from 2pm-6pm. I'll be going (camera and kleenex - lots and lots of kleenex - in tow). If you'd like to come, let me know.

In the meantime, if you're interested, here are a few links to Kawkawa if you'd like to see a little bit of the place that is so dear to me:

Camp Photos --- Camp Video (it's a large file, it may take a while to load) --- 360 degree interactive tour --- Open House invitation --- Why Kawkawa is closing it's doors --- Some thoughts after the retreat in May

True to form

Click the button to visit "Camp Kawkawa Remembered"

Well, at least I'm consistent.

Once upon a time, many moons ago, little Hillary was up at Camp Kawkawa enjoying a fun filled week. She had been to camp before, and loved the canoeing activity option, so she signed up for it again. Out she went on the lake, dip dip and swing, dip dip and swing. She learned all kinds of new strokes, and even got to tip the canoe and learn how to do a boat-over-boat rescue. How fun! However, when she got back to the dock and went to get ready for dinner, she realized she was without one very important article... her GLASSES! She swore she had taken them off and left them wither her towel on the edge of the dock, but alas, they were nowhere to be found. She searched and she searched, frantic, but to no avail. She was just glad that it was sunny that week... maybe she could blame all the squinting on the sun. :P When she got home, her parents were very understanding (though I'm sure rather annoyed), and off they went to buy new glasses. They were sure to get the 2-for-1 deal this time... just in case.

Once upon another time, older and wiser Hillary was back up at Camp Kawkawa enjoying another great week. It was free time at the waterfront, and so she decided to go for a swim. Remembering the glasses incident a few years before, and determined not to make the same mistake twice, she had a great strategy: there was a covered shelf thingy out on the dock specifically for people to leave their valuables in while they went swimming. Out she went, reciting to herself, "Take your glasses off before you jump in the lake. Take your glasses off before you jump in the lake." She must have been so focused on her little chant that she forgot about the shelf, cause when she got to the edge of the dock she jumped right in. She felt the glasses come off her face and made a mad grab for them, but could only feel them slowly drifting down to the muddy bottom below. Frantic, and not wanting to have to tell her parents that he lost her glasses again, she went to the lifeguard and told him what had happened. After all the kids were out, he went diving for treasure. Her clear-lensed, black and dark brown tortoise shell glasses. He came and found her later that evening and handed over the glasses. YES! But wait... they weren't hers! Turns out another girl that week had done basically the same thing, but had been too embarrassed to admit it. Not Hillary, no siree... apparently she has no shame. So... take two for the staff member. Down he went again, and actually found Hillary's glasses this time! Man, was that ever a dumb move. She sure wouldn't do THAT again!

Or at least, she wouldn't do it again for a few years. Hillary was now a staff member at Kawkawa. Older, but apparently not wiser. She forgets the circumstances (blocked them from her memory, perhaps?) but into the lake she went, once again with her glasses on. And once again they were rescued from the murky depths. And I do mean depths. We're not talking about six feet of water here. It's more like 20 or 25. It's cold down there, and dark, and muddy.

We won't even speak of the time, also as a staff member, Hillary was getting cleaned up after a very muddy full contact game of bucketball and stepped on her glasses in the shower (there were no shelves anywhere, nowhere, not even a hook, to leave her glasses on. Silly washrooms.). Shattered the lenses. She ended up having to make an appointment for an eye exam in town and got a free pair of trial contacts to wear for the remainder of the summer. They were the wrong prescription. No wonder she was dizzy for two weeks.

Cut to this past weekend (and to a change in voice - I'm creeping myself out writing in third person!). I was now a guest at Kawkawa with my church. It was blazing hot on Saturday, and people were in and out of the lake all day. I noticed people diving up and down, up and down, with goggles on. Turns out a lady from our group had dropped her sunglasses in the lake. OH MAN! I could certainly empathize. I joined in the search (really, it was the least I could do!). I could see them, but they were too deep for me to get. Eventually a staff person got flippers and retrieved the glasses. Of course, that brought up all the (painful - *sniff*) memories. ;)

But apparently not for long.

A few hours later, after an afternoon spent hiking, kayaking, and swimming (during which time I hung my glasses on a hook on the swim board just before going onto the dock, I might add), I was on the dock talking to some friends. Dinner was soon, and I was pretty much dry, so I wasn't planning to go back in. However, the cool, sparkling water of the lake was just too tempting, so in a split second, "ah-why-not" moment, I dove in. The second I felt the refreshing sensation of the cool water surrounding me, I realized what I had done. Again.

Down floated my glasses once again, meeting up with their old friend, Kawkawa Mud. I came up out of the water shouting "craaaaap!" (and then realized the pastor was sitting right there on the dock, making me really glad I wasn't shouting some other word! :P ) But hey, at least I dove in at a DEEPER place than the woman earlier that day had done. (Do you sense my sarcasm?) Well it was too late to do anything now. I dove down a few times, but was too worn out from the afternoon to hold my breath for any length of time. I decided I'd ask the staff hero from earlier that day to try looking again tomorrow, and off I went, blind as a bat, for dinner. Of course, me not being able to keep my mouth shut, I told my friends on staff, who then proceeded to mock me relentlessly, knowing that this was not the first time I had done this. *Sigh* :P Thankfully I had brought my contacts with me!

So Sunday after lunch, I hauled a staff member away from his washroom-cleaning duties (kicking and screaming, I'm sure... I mean, who would want to jump in a nice cold lake on a blazing hot day when they could be cleaning toilets?? ;) and under the watch of about eight people, up and down he went trying to find my clear-lensed black wire rimmed glasses at the bottom of 25 feet of water. You could see the fluorescent flippers, and boy, was he a long way down. I was feeling bad for making him blow out his lungs and ears for the second time that weekend, and I was pretty much resigned to the fact that I was going to have to go glasses shopping this coming week, when up he came with my glasses in hand (to the cheers of all the folks on the dock, all women) !!! "Uh, excuse me, they're scratched!" said I, in my best rich-stuck-up-teeny-bopper voice. Heh heh.

Somebody get that boy a medal!

And somebody get me a brain!

Jesse, my hero!

Refreshed

Click the button to visit "Camp Kawkawa Rembered"

Even Though

~Stephen Toon~

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I will worship you

Even though my soul be downcast,

I will lift my head to you

I will worship you

Even though my heart does wander

I will bring it back to you

.

You are worthy, O God

In whom else could I trust?

All is foolishness

Compared to you

.

I will worship you

Though the world is ever changing

Lord you still remain the same

I will worship you

Enemies surround me always

I will put my trust in you

.

You are worthy, O God
In whom else could I trust?
All is foolishness
Compared to you

.

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.

What an amazing weekend. It was such a gift to me in so many ways. First of all, it was simply refeshing to be back at Kawkawa: to take in the absolute beauty of the place, to see familiar faces, to be received with love by the friends I have there. Second, taking a whole weekend to play was just what I needed in this busy season. I played games, swam, hiked, and kayaked. I joked and laughed and told silly stories in the company of friends. I played with some very cute kids and got to know some great new friends.

.

Most importantly, I learned something new about God and about myself. Or maybe I was just remined of this, I don't know. Either way, it was what I needed to hear. The speaker, Tony Dolfo-Smith, was talking about blessings and about the importance of moving from belief to trust in our faith. I won't go into details here about the specifics of his talks, but I do want to highlight what I feel that God was teaching me. A big part of it was that I need to learn to see his blessings differently. So often I see blessings as only good things that God gives (specifically, good things that *I* want). Since when do I get to tell God how to bless me? I want to learn to see more clearly the blessings I receive, even though they may not be what I want at the time, and even though they may be painful. This weekend showed me, among other things, that I need to (continue to) devellop a "God-perspective" and trust that he has only the best in mind for me. That way, even though things may not be gonig the way I'd hoped they would, I can know without a doubt that it's because God has something better for me. And secondly, I need to be less afrad of being "different." That's what God is calling me to be: radically different that what this culture expects or sees as normal (hee hee, well who says I'm normal, anway? ;)

.

I think, though, that the biggest thing that stands out for me, and it's not something new, is that God requires the complete surrender of my whole being, no matter the cost. That includes the plans and dreams that I have for myself. Tony said, "It is impossible to follow God and not be led away from something we love." It's hard for me to even understand what all that means: "complete surrender," "my whole being," etc. What do I need to surrender? How do I do that? And it's scary to wonder what it is that I love so dearly (or that I'm hanging on to too tightly?) that God will lead me away from. Yes, it's easy to believe. Much harder to act on that belief, that is, to trust. But it's not all doom and gloom: giving things up, living a life of surrender: "Whoever finds his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it." (Matt 10:39) Again, as Tony said, "The real blessing we will recieve is not the life we think we want/should have, but the real blessing will be God himself." I'm not claiming to understand this all fully, and I'm especially not claiming to be doing this. It's just what I'm going to be mulling over and asking God about for the next while (ha ha, more like for the rest of my LIFE!).

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God, I do believe, help my unbelief.

.

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Some pictures of Kawkawa

Kawkawa Lake

Kayakers

The sun rises on Mt Hope

Campfire

My favourite place in the whole wide world.

Kawkawa in Winter

Kawkawa!

I get to go to my favourite place in the whole wide world this weekend! My church is having a retreat at Camp Kawkawa, just east of Hope. I have been going to summer camp there since I was a kid, and then every year as a staff up until 2002. It is the one place I can go where as soon as I step foot on the property, I feel like my soul can relax. So much of who I am today is because of the things I have learned and the growth that has happened while I've been at camp. It is the place where I have seen and heard God the clearest. It's always a place of refreshing for me whenever I am there. Plus, it's an absolutely beautiful location! Mix all that with 30 degree weather, and you've got the makings of a very great weekend! I can't wait!

Oh yeah, and I'm gonna dive in that lake jsut as soon as I can! :D

Click the button to visit "Camp Kawkawa Rembered"

Typical!

I went to Missions fest today. It was pretty good. I went to a session about being a Christian teacher in the public school system and one of the plenary sessions. Meh, it was alright. Ran into about a bazillion people I knew, many of whom I hadn't seen in a long time. Honestly, that's one of the best parts about Missionsfest! One person I ran into, however, stands out. 'Member the post about my secret identity on internet boy's forum? Well I ran into him today! I knew he might be down there this weekend, but honestly... among how many people and how many different venues?!?!? Of course, I suppose I forgot this is ME we're talking about here! Lil' Miss Run-into-Everybody! So we chatted for a bit, got caught up a bit on what's been gonig on, that kind of thing. But holy awkward, Batman, I already KNEW half the stuff whe was telling me from reading it on the forum!!! I thought about dropping a hint about Walking Cartoon, but then thought better of it. It would have been funny to have seen his face, though! On the other hand, maybe I would have just seen the back of his head as he ran away screaming. Really, I don't know why I even worry about it! GAH! I'm not crazy, I promise! :P

I did stop by at the Camp Kawkawa booth (ah, what a wonderful place!). I think I"m gonna go up for a week, maybe two this summer as a cabin counsellor. It's been two summers now that I haven't been up at all, and I miss it. It's such an amazing time every time I go. It's a place where I can jsut see God working so much clearer. He does AMAZING things in kids in that place. I love to be a part of it. Yay God!!!