A Photo Journey

My third post today... I hope I don't lose you here. I've posted a lot of pictures, but trust me, I've pared it down! I've got 20 shots here, but I could have posted all 148! Yikes! Click on any of the pictures for a larger view.

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Day 1: Hike to Taylor Meadows and set up camp

And we're off! I'm a wee tad excited, can you tell? ;)
Shaun and Sarah ask, "You're taking pictures ALREADY?!?!The trail wound steadily upwards - thankfully we were in the trees, cause it was HOT!
A nice place to rest and fill our water bottles
Arriving in Taylor Meadows. Tomorrow's destination looms above us.
Yippee! We're finally at our campsite! I do the happy dance.

After dinner Sarah and I did a mini hike down to Garibaldi Lake. The evening sun was casting a golden light on everything... That combined with the turquoise water was spectacular!

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Day 2: To the Tusk

Whiskey Jacks are fearless little birds. They'll land right on your hand and take whatever snack you choose to give them.

It's an easy walk to Black Tusk Meadows, but then the real climbing begins!

The meadows were full of wildflowers and mountain streams.

Looking down on Garibaldi Lake and the meadows. (That blue is the lake, not the sky!)
Getting closer! You may have to enlarge the picture (click on it), but do you see the white dot on the left hand side of the tusk, near the top? That's someone climbing the chimney to the top.
Above the tree line, the path was nothing but rock. You know how hard it is to walk in sand? Well do that, but uphill. Oof! Coming down, though, was great fun! I part ran, part skied down the rock. Wheee!
A view from the top. Speechless.
This is the first part of the path to the chmney (which we didn't climb). It was crazy. Steep steep rocky slope on one side, and straight down farther than you could see into volcanic rocky blackness on the other. Can you see that white dot at the end of the ridge? That's Sarah, just to give you some perspective. I only went part way to the chimney, cause after the point I'm at in the above picture, the 'trail' ended and you had to pick your way accross the extremely steep slope where nearly no step was solid. Every step I took sent chunks of rock tumbling down the mountain below me. Even rock that looked solid sometimes broke off or came loose under my feet. Call me a wimp, but I decided to turn back!

I'm on top of the world!!!

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More on Mountains and Meadows

This weekend trip was not just about doing something I once thought I couldn't do. I also gained a bit of long-sought-after perspective about God. Any time I get out into nature, I get such a profound sense of awe at his handiwork and just who he IS...

This is what the Lord says, "The heavens are my throne, and earth is my footstool."

Those huge looming mountains that go off in the distance for what seems like forever? The are God's footstool. What he rests his big toe on. This is the God who created the universe. Mighty. Powerful. Awesome. Holy.

The Earth is the Lord's and everything in it,
the world, and all who live in it;
for he founded it upon the seas
and established it upon the waters.
Who may ascend the mount of the Lord?
Who may stand in his holy place?

Surely not I? And yet God is intensely personal and intimate. Walking through the meadows, the summer breeze bringing the smell of dirt and wildflowers, the sound of countless mountain streams burbling down the slope, the lake and the mountains spread before me, God whispered the Psalm my grandma made me memorize as a child...

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
he restores my soul...

I was in need of some soul-restoring. This weekend was God's gift to me.

You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace
the mountains and hills will burst into song before you
and all the trees of the field will clap their hands...

Overcoming

This weekend, as I was walking down from one of the most beautiful places I've been in my life, walking through mountain meadows full of wildflowers, looking out over a turquiose lake, glaciers, and mountain range after mountain range fading off into the summer haze, driving my friend Sarah crazy with all the photos I was taking, one word kept popping into my head.

Overcoming.

I am no longer afraid or intimidated by things that used to intimidate me. I have so much more confidence in myself than I used to have, and am doing things I woulnd never have done ten or even five years ago. It's still a journey, but I am overcoming.

Back in high school, I was never the most confident person. Sure, I was outgoing, friendly, and wacky (still am!), but I never seemed to want to try new and challenging things. Today, I thrive on that: trying new things, things I never would have thought I'd do. This even applies to expanding what I eat. In the past two years I've tried all KINDS of new foods. Thai and Indian have are two of my faves (mmmm.... I can't believe waht I was missing!)

But more than that, it's been in the active stuff that I've felt this sense of overcoming. I was not in very good shape through high school. I hated PE, cause I was never very good at soccer, basketball, volleyball, etc etc etc, and having to play them with all the jocks - both guys and girls - jsut made me feel terrible! And the "fitness runs." UG. Terrible. They turned me off of running. Hate hate hate. This translated over to other things, too. I just didn't think I could do certain things.

Now I'm proving myself wrong, and I love it!

Take jogging, for example. I don't go that often now, but I go, and hey, it's not terrible. I remember totally amazing myself that I could jog for 24 mins without stopping, and still not be totally gasping and wheezing for air. I think maybe 5 was my high school record. High school fear: overcome.

Then there's me and my used-to-be picky picky eating. Just ask my parents. Eep. Well this July I went to a Sikh wedding, and I recall thinking as I was eating my meal that, hey, I didn't even know what half of the dishes they were serving were... if this were me a few years ago, I would have hardly eaten anything. But now? Who knows what this is... let's try it! Childhood picky-ness: overcome.

But I think the biggest things in my mind have been the Grouse Grind and Hiking Black Tusk. I took PE 12 Lifestyles, a course where we did all kinds of fun things like golf, rock climbing, snowshoeing, etc... not the typical sports stuff you'd normally do in a PE class. I enjoyed most of those activities, cuase I didn't feel like a complete doofus doing them. However, in the second half of the year, I couldn't take the course anymore because of a conflict with a different course I needed to graduate. I was secretly VERY happy about that, because the first outing of the second semester was doing the Grouse Grind (a 2.9 km/1.8 mi trail with an elevation gain of 853 m/2800 feet up the side of Grouse Mountain). High school self told me, "You could never do that." Well this June, I did. Twice. And I didn't even die! ;) I'm going to start going again regualraly once school gets back in, cause there are a few teachers from my school who go at least once a week. I'm even looking forward to it. High school fear: overcome.

And then there's Black Tusk. In high school, I was one of those nerdy, "I want to take every course possible" types (past tense here may be debatable!). I graduated with almost twice the minimum graduation credits I needed. I was kind of thinking about taking Geography 12, but it again conflicted with a different course I needed/wanted to take. I probably could have made it work, but one of the pretty-much-required parts of that class was a trip up Black Tusk. Packing up the gear. Camping in the snow. Climbing to the Tusk. (The tusk is an ancient volcanic structure - a perfect place for some hands on geography.) No WAY was I able to do that. I didn't take that course in part becuase of that trip. How sad.

Well this weekend I did it (minus the camping on the snow, though I did 'ski' part of the way down from the peak in my hiking boots on the remaining snowpack)! We hoofed our gear up, up, up, camped, and climbed the Tusk. Sixteen km (9.8 mi) up - then 16 down, and an elevation gain of 1710 m (5600 ft). High school fear: overcome.


I guess it kind of snuck up on me, and it's not a journey that is complete by any means, but boy, it feels good!

Boy Next Door Update

He works in Whistler, about a 2 hour drive away (ok, so he's not really the boy next door. His parents own the house and his sister and her family live there... he stays there when he comes to town, which is fairly frequently). Now, I have a friend staying with me from Australia, and she wants to see Whistler while she's here. Hmm... who better to give advice on the best things to see and do than a local??? I talked to his sister today to ask for his number, and turns out he's in town as of tonight, so she asked for my number to pass on. Yay! Not only do I get to see him, but now he's got MY number! Ha ha ha ha....

(I can't beLIEVE I'm posting this....I feel so 'junior high!')

Having fun and feeling the consequences!

I'm not very popular with my body right now. I think it thinks it hates me for making it work so hard. Doesn't it know it's all for it's own good? Sheesh.

Monday it was a really good hike in bad shoes (silly me, yes I know) that left me hobbling for two days. My friend Rebecca and I hiked Diez Vistas (Ten Views), a trail that follows the ridge between Buntzen Lake and Indiam Arm. There are viewpoints all along the way of Indian Arm. They're numbered. We had fun posing at all the different signs telling us what viewpoints we were at.

That's Raccoon Island to the right, and Deep Cove in behind it. Off in the distance and to the right is Vancouver and beyond that, Georgia Straight and Vancouver Island.

Veeesta numero 2

Veeesta numero 5.

Wednesday, it was a 6 hour kayaking trip to Silver Falls up Indian Arm that left me with arms so sore I couldn't move. Seriously. It was a baaad scene. Who kayaks for six hours without doing dome kind of training first? Apparently me. D'oy. BUT the trip itself was beautiful! We spotted some of the viewpoints from our hike on Monday (we were hiking pretty close to the top of the ridge in the first picture). We saw a bunch of seals and tons of jellyfish, and on the way back, the biggest bald eagle I have EVER seen swooped down and grabbed a fish no more than 15 feet in front of Rebecca. It was AMAZING. I've never seen an eagle that close before. His wingspan was longer than our paddles! It kind of freaked us out a bit, cause we didn't see him till he was right there. Wow. What a majestic creature.

Rebecca's pointing to where we were hiking. She really had great paddling technique... it's just not pictured here ;)

Coming up to the old powerstation (off in the distance)

At the base of Silver Falls. Had it been warmer out, we would have pulled up and swam in the pool under the waterfall. The falls went so much farther up that this picture shows.

The water was like glass for most of the way there. On the way home, we were paddling into the wind. Oof!

My feet are better, and I can once again move my arms. Mostly. So Saturday I leave for a 3 day hiking trip to black tusk. I'm gonna be hurting for the next week, but boy am I thankful for the opportunity to do all this stuff! I love where I live!!!

This is the tusk from Taylor Meadows, close to Garibaldi Lake. I did the hike to the lake a few weeks ago. We're gonna hike to the lake on Saturday, then climb up to the tusk on Sunday. I don't know if I'll have the guts (or the stupidity!) to climb the chimney, but we'll see. Click here for a pic of some brave souls climbing the chimney to see what I'm talking about. (Chimney picture courtesy of Dave's Blog)

Baby Joshua has arrived!

I got a call on Monday night from Shannon to tell me that Joshua William was born at 10:59 am on Sunday August 7. Yippeeeee! Congrats Shannon and Jason! I went to go see them in the hospital yesterday morning - he was just two days old! Wow, is he a cutie pie!

What goes up must come down

Bah. Humbug.

Well what was looking like a really great week has now almost completely fallen through. Super. The hike yesterday was great, but I woke up this morning with a VERY sore heel. I can't walk on it, so I"m gimping around on the ball of my foot to try to walk. This morning, I thought I would still do the waterslides, but maybe not do the hike on Wednesday. I really want to go to Black Tusk, so I want to give my heel some time to recouperate.

Well, I rushed off to meet everybody for the waterslides, and it was only K (the one who organized the day) and me. She figured we should just cancel and go another time. MY hesitation (as the young adults socials co-ordinator) was that we had sent it out on the mailing list, which made it an official event and invited tons of people who may or may not show up, so if anyone decides to come later (we said we'd be there till 8:00pm), there's not gonna be anyone there. Not good. So we hummed and hawed, and she decided that she had to get a bucnh of stuff done, and figured no one would be coming (ah the joys of planning events when people are very non-committal). So. No waterslides.

Tomorrow, like I said, I probably won't do the hike cause of my heel.

And kayaking Thursday? Lots of enthusiasm and people who say they want to go, but no commitments yet. I'm not counting on that one either.

*SIGH*

On a more serious note

Childlike glee aside... I've been doing some thinking about the last year's relationship experiences, and I kinda had an "ah-ha moment" yesterday. Just a word of warning: this is a thought PROCESS. I'm thinking as I write, so I hope it makes sense!

I've gone on a few dates with three guys over the last year. I was never "going out" with any of them, but there was definitely something that was more than friends. I met D last August, and M in November. Both these guys I met online. Mr. BD I met in May. He goes to my church.

Each time, it's been the guy who has initiated the "let's be friends" conversation. Each time, I knew it was coming before it came, and deep down, I knew I felt the same way, but it's still disappointing, and a bit of a blow to the ego.

With D, it was pretty much the stereotypical "let's be friends." We've emailed I think once since, and that's it. BUT, he also lives in a different city (about a 45 min drive away) and we don't have any friends or activities in common (like work, church, social groups, etc). There was some weird stuff surrounding that non-break-up (can you call it a break up if you were never dating? What DO you call that, anyway?), and it knocked some of the proverbial rosy tint out of my glasses.

With M, the "let's be friends" conversation was not at all stereotypical. He explained where he was coming from, and that it wasn't a good time in his life for a relationship. Hmm... still sounds cliche, but it was sincere. We still didn't have any friends or activities in common, and he lives even farther away (about a hour's drive), but we still keep in touch, talking every now and then on MSN.

I've already told the Mr BD story here, so I won't go into it now. I will, however add that we see eachother often - at church and young adult social activities and the like. While we are keeping a bit of distance publicly, just till people stop aking if we're dating, we're still friends. We had a long chat just the other day about where we were and what we want our friendship to look like. He is SUCH a good guy, and I'm very glad that we're friends.


A common thread that I see in each of these near-relationships is that, unlike other guys I've gone out with in the past, I didn't know these guys in a common context before meeting, clicking, and beginning to hang out with quasi-romantic intentions. I had begun to think that it just doesn't work to think about starting a relationship with someone I don't already have a non-romantic friendship with. This was bothering me, because there was no-one who I'm already friends with who I would consider dating (well, never say never, but at this time I can't see it), and it's becoming incresingly hard to be totally platonic friends with guys. I don't know why, but it is (now here's a question that could generate some comments: Can you be truly JUST friends with someone of the opposite sex?). So in my mind it was working like this: nobody I'm already friends with that I'd be interested in, and can't be just friends with someone new, without it being complicated by the "hmm... what about this guy?" thoughts. So add that to the "relatioships don't work unless you already know them/are friends with them first" thought, and you can imagine I was feeling a bit of discouragement.

Now I will take a slight detour here to say that I don't NEED a boyfriend, nor am I 'on the prowl.' In fact, I am pretty content with the way my life is at this point in time. However, I would be lying if I said that I didn't have days when I wished I had that 'special someone.'

So I have been feeling somewhat befuddled as to how all this silly relationship stuff is supposed to work (hee hee, aren't we all?). I was wishing things were as simple as they seemed back in university... you have this friend who you've known for a long time, you're great buddies, then one day you realize, "Whoooah... wait a sec... what just happened to my stomach when he walked in the room? How did those butterflies get in there?" Then if he feels the same way, one of you asks the other out, and poof! You're a couple. (ha ha... riiight, like it's really THAT simple).

But it does work out well... you know the person, you have common friends, common activities, you have already seen how he/she acts in a group, you already KNOW some of your common interests. You can skip at least some of those awkward small talk 'get to you you' conversations. It's great! I had a very wonderful relationship with a guy who I am still really good friends with that followed that process, so that's in my head as something that works.

Friends first = good. It worked great for me.
Meet-to-romance=bad. Doesn't work. It's happened three times in the last year. Pretty hard to argue that evidence.

It was as I was thinking about this that a relaization dawned. I am in a different stage of life now. The university model worked well in university. But I am not a student anymore. The days of classes and campus clubs/interest groups and hanging out with large groups of friends on a very regular basis are behind me. That was university life. I am now working, meeting people different ways, and have a different kind of social life. It is still good, it's jsut different, and it requires adjusting, learning new ways of doing things. That's not to say that I have to throw out the old ways, or that the old ways will never happen, but I have to learn the ropes of this new stage that I"m in, and make adjustments accordingly. And of course, learning takes making mistakes and floundering around for a while until you get it.

I'm so excited... and I just can't hide it....

I feel like I'm a kid in summer daycamps again! My plans for the next week? So fun...

Monday: Hiking Diez Vistas and volleyball on the beach in the evening
Tuesday: Waterslides with a whole swack of friends
Wednesday: Hiking the Cheif in Squamish
Thursday: Kayaking up Indian Arm
Friday-Sunday: Hiking/Camping trip to Garibaldi Lake and Black Tusk

Oh. My. Goodness.

I hope my legs don't turn to jello and then fall off. I'd better stock up on batteries for my camera! .... OOOOH! And buy one of those waterproof disposable camera dealies for hte waterslides! hee hee hee!

Welcome Liisa!

Ha ha, a post just for you! It's nice to see you here! Leave a comment - the more the better! You don't have to have a blog, just click comments, post a comment, the choose "other" and leave your name!

You should start a blog too! Keep us all updated with how you are way over there in Irish Land ;) You could make us all jealous with your weekend jaunts throughout Europe!

(Liisa just got married 2 months ago and moved to Ireland... don't she and Colin make a cute couple?!?!)

Happy two month anniversary! (Well, almost!)

And the verdict is in...

(well, according to me, anyway)

Only one more night to go at the Celebration of Light (it will always be the Symphony of Fire to me... silly advertising laws). Canada, Sweden, and China have now set off over 2 million dollars worth of explosives over English Bay. All that's left is the finale on Saturday, the competition is over.

Here's my take on the whole deal:

Canada: they had a jazzy little ensemble for their music. Nice music, and they tried to make the fireworks all artsy to fit with the music. They were very pretty, and graceful, and lovely, but that was kinda their downfall. They're fireworks... they need to be BIG, and they need to be LOUD. You need to be able to not only hear the explosions, but feel them on your chest. Maybe that's just me. Hardly an ooh or an aah escaped my lips. And the synchornization? Meh... hard to synchronize with flowy jazz. They were the first night, and I was worried that I've been spoiled by too many Celebration of Light/Symphony of Fire shows. I was beginning to be sad. That is, until I saw...

Sweden: Last year's winner. Now HERE is a country who knows how to do fireworks. A large part of their music was written especially for the show, but of course, they had the requisite Abba interlude... it IS Sweden, after all. The synchronization was AMAZING... if the music went bah bah ba-da, the fireworks went bah bah ba-da (really hard to demonstrate that in a medium that is neither auditory or visual! :P Just trust me on this one...) It was incredible. Oohs and aahs were standard all along hte beach, and many parts of the 30 minute show had me giggling wildly at the sheer spectacularness of it (yes, I know, 'spectacularness' not a word ;) . They had blown Canada out of the water in just the first two minutes! Now the only competitor left was...

China: Being the country in which fireworks had their start, China usually puts on a pretty good show. Last night was no different. No ABBA here: there was a wide variety of tradtional Chinese music, from lyrical songs to songs that sounded like they could be used when going into battle (how appropriate for the medium!). They were big, they were loud, and they made the crowd (estimated at over 300,000) squeal with delight with fireworks shaped as happy faces. How DO they do that?!? Synchronization was very good, too - stronger, or maybe jsut more noticable, in the war-like sections. Their finale was fabulous. I don't think Canada OR Sweden's finales were as high and as wide. Wow.

In my extremely non-expert opinion, I would rate the three shows as follows:

Third place.... Canada.







Second place... China




(click on this image to see a bigger version, then look at the bottom for the outline of people's heads: this gives you an idea of the SIZE of these fireworks!)

And the winner is... Sweden. No question.







We'll see if the judges agree with me at the Finale on Saturday night!

Hey look! I'm a queen!

One of my favourite blogs is The Reign of Ellen - she's hilarious, and a great artist. She's recently started up 'The Court of Ellen" made up of other bloggers - friends, family and strangers. Well I got . home . from . the fireworks tonight already in a great mood, and lo and behold, I got an email telling me I've been added to Ellen's court. I feel so honoured!

Shoot...

... I think I have a lil' crush on ...!

Variations on a theme

Sometimes things people say or phrases I hear just stick in my head... then, even months later, a little lightbulb goes on and I realize that they are all related. Hmm... could God be trying to tell me something?

1). Out for dinner with a friend, I was whining about my clunkermobile, and talking about how I wanted to buy a brand new car. He was trying to convince me that I wanted a newer, used car, and that I shouldn't buy new. I was adamant.

Well, I guess it just depends on what you want to spend your money on.

2.) Sitting around the table in the staffroom, I was talking religion with a man who had grown up Jewish and a woman who had grown up a strict Catholic - school with the nuns and everything. Neither really practice their religion now as adults. But we were talking about faith, and what impact that has on our life. The catholic woman was talking about how maybe really all faith is is something psychological to help get us through hard times. (I disagree totally, but that's a whole other post! :P). She just didn't seem satisfied with what faith/religion had given her.

There HAS to be more to life than this.

3.) I was listening to the local Christian radio station a while back, and they always have these little "inspiration moments," which I usually tune out (cause honestly, sometimes they're very cheesy) but this line stuck out:

What do you want your life to count for? How do you spend your money accordingly?

4.) One of the reasons I took a blogger break was because it was becoming too important to me. I was spending more time than what I was happy with browsing and writing and blog-fiddling. In the midst of me feeling bad about how much time I was spending online, a friend forwarded me an email that had the following quote at the bottom. Oof.

How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives ~ Anne Dillard

5.) You know how the first song you hear in the morning is often the song that's stuck in your head all day long? Well a I was pondering all these thoughts, knowing that very soon I was going to have to sit down and take a good long and hard look at what I value, how I'm spending my time and money, and what changes I need to make to become the person I want to be, I heard a new Switchfoot song on the radio (hear a clip by clicking here and then clicking on "This is your life." "Meant to live" could also fit!)

This is your life, are you who you want to be? This is your life, is it everything you dreamed it would be?

I haven't been able to get this line out of my head for a couple of days now. It's time to spend some time listening to God and doing some thinking...

* what do I want my life to count for?
* who do I want to be?
* how do I want to spend my life, and so what do I need to do with my days and my money so that they match up?
* what do I need to do to work towards these goals?

Finally, I have the time to think. I hope I don't waste this opportunity.

Fruitless Jealousy

I was NOT expecting this.

So I thought I was supposed to know myself better than this. I thought it was all good. I know you're not interested, and I'm not even sure we're a good match, either. But - darn you! - you still affect me more than I thought. And all this as I was planning to call you up this week and just let you know that everything is totally cool. I was going to tell you that I think I'm weirding you out, but I"m just treating you the same way I would any other friends. Now I don't know. Am I overly friendly, because deep down I"m hoping that something will happen again, after we get to know each other a little better? Or am I really just treating you like I treat everybody else?

First it was the slip of paper with your email on it that caught me off guard. Then tonight it became very clear that a friend of mine is interested in you. I thought she was flirting with you last time we all hung out, but tonight I asked her (I guess I'm just a sucker for punishment) and her reply? "Oh, YEAH!"

Instantly I wanted to tell her that you and I had a thing, whatever it was, and then I wanted to tell her to be careful, not cause you're bad, but maybe because you're unsure of what you want. Maybe. Maybe that's not fair, I don't know. But there was this feeling in the pit of my stomach that told me, "this must be stopped." I felt like she was taking away a second chance that I may have had.

I had a flash of jealousy.

It was strange. I have not had that feeling very often at all. All of these thoughts occurred in a split second, and of course, I kept my mouth shut. What good would it have done to say anything?

"Well, we had this thing, and I think he might not have been ready for a relationship, or something, so just be careful." Who am I to say that? I don't know that for sure. The last thing I want to do is to make you look bad, especially when it's based on something I don't even know. And it's not like you hurt me. You were very gracious and just explained where you were coming from. So what warning does she need?

"You know, he and I kinda... well... um... hung out a bit." Yeah? So? It's not like you were my boyfriend, and even if you were, we're not anything now. So why CAN'T she flirt?

And yet everything in me reared up against it. But of course, this kind of jealousy has no point. If nothing is happening between you and I, well of course, go look somewhere else, or at least enjoy the attention. I have no right to say anything.

Instead I sat quietly back and watched the two of you interact this evening. You had no idea what it was doing to me. I guess this is the time where I face up to the fact that nothing is gonna happen. I can't hope for it.

It hurts when hope dies, especially when you keep thinking it's dead and you're over it, then it lifts up it's head and says, 'Hey no, I'm still here!" only to get knocked down again.

I want you to be able to just be my friend - no weirdness, no expectations, no jealousy. No pain. I wonder if that's going to happen? How many more surprises will there be along the way?

I don't want you to affect me like this.

A Cowbell For Ellen

One of my favourite blogs these days is The Reign of Ellen. A while back there was a flurry of conversation about the SNL Cowbell skit. I'd never seen it, but after reading everyone rave about it, I looked it up on the net and watched it here. Classic!

So down at the Concerts in the Cove yesterday, the main singer had.... guess what??? I immediately thought of Ellen!

Summer Fun in Vancouver

Just a sampling of summer in Vancouver... Celebration of Light - a spectacular fireworks display that's all coreographed to music - down at English Bay, and Concerts in the Cove - open air concerts in Deep Cove, North Vancouver. We started a limbo line with the happy face balloon - fun for all ages :D

Sweet Freedom!

As of one hour ago, I am officially on HOLIDAYS! For FIVE WEEKS! (and two days!) I can not say a big enough YEEEAAAAHHHHOOOOOOOO!!!!

This is the first time since Grade NINE that I have had more than about 5 days off with no obligations, no commitments, no feeling of guilt at "oh, I SHOULD be doing this or that (like lesson planning, etc)."

No shouldas.
No oughtas.
No gottas.

I will be waking up in the morning and asking myself, "hmmm, what would I like to do today?" Oh it's gonna be glorious!

Oh yeah, and I've decided I'm gonna keep blogging (surprise surprise, but there's been a mindset shift) ... more to come a little later, I'm off the the beach for some live carribean music.

Welcome, summer!

The Coffee Table Book

OK. In high shcool my friend Chris had an amazing talent. He always seemed to be able to capture the most spectacularly BAD photos of me. He would always tease me that he was going to make a coffee table book of all the awful pictures he had of me. Well I was going through some of my photos and realized I had some pretty wacky pictures myself. So it's not a coffee table book, but it's close. And oh, there are so many other pictures I could share, but a girl's got her pride, you know. ;)

If you want to see what I'm really like... look no further:

(Now, you'll have to read my last post, too, at LEAST to see that I actually DO have a deper side - I jsut like to be silly, too! Apparently!)

Craig T

So I know I said no new posts just a few hours ago (see below), but this is an exception.

CRAIG - you have SERIOUSLY SERIOUSLY crossed the line. I CONTINUALLY asked you to respect my request for privacy. You continued to press. You did not respect what I was asking, only til the very very end of our conversation, and even then, you had the AUDACITY to tell me you thought that I had fear and controll issues.

You do not know me at all. How DARE you say that.

You also asked for my website. I told you no, because there was too much personal information on here, and frankly, I did not trust you after our conversation to give it to you.

Yet instead, you hunted it down anyway. Likely now you have seen pictures of my house, my family, my friends, and have read who knows how much of my blog. Yes, I realize that it is on the web for all to see. However, after the conversation where you could not even respect my decision not to send you a picture, that is a HUGE, HUGE violation of my privacy. And when confronted about it, you first lied to me, then mocked me, then called me a child.

I am SO furious right now. And no, it is not a "controll" issue, nor am I "a child" as you called me. It is a matter of staying safe on the internet, as I repeated to you many times last night.

And as far as you preaching to me, or speaking to me, or whatever you want to call it, about prayer, you had absolutely no right to do that. My comment was more in disbelief that the only way you would honour my decision not to send you a picture was if I prayed about it and "Jesus told me [you were] a killer or something." You just wouldn't respect my request on it's own.

I should have stopped talking to you the minute you kept pushing for information I already told you I wasn't comfortable giving you.


Frankly, I am extremely creeped out by the fact that you hunted me down (and I still am at a loss as to how you got my email in the first place, anyway), then coyly referred to my blog in your email. You then lied to me about having seen my site, and only when I proved I knew you had seen it did you 'fess up.

It is precicely because of things like that that I do NOT give out personal information. I consider you a dangerous person, not in the sense that you will harm me, I hope, but in the sense that you have violated every boundary I had set with you from the beginning of our conversation. The fact that you cannot see this is even more concerning.

Now I don't suppose you'll honour this request, but don't ever come here or to my homepage again.

Is it something that makes your life better?

Dang.

I hate it when I get asked a question that makes me have to face up to what I've known for a long time but had been trying to avoid.

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After church today, I was talking to Alfred, a friend/acquaintance from church. A few weeks ago I had come accross a blog written by a girl who goes to Regent College. As I was looking at her blog one day, I saw she had posted a picture of her and some friends down at the beach. I looked at the picture and saw Alfred! Crazy! It was one of those "small world" things, which I jsut thought was cool. Anyway, I saw Alfred today so thought I'd tell him that I had randomly come across his picture as I was blog surfing.

Of course, conversation lead to the question of how I found this girl's blog. So I started talking about Blog Explosion, surfing blogs to earn points which translates into traffic for your blog, etc etc etc. As I was exlpaining this, I was feeling embarassed about it, and if I'm honest with myself (ouch) it's because I spend far too much time doing this, and have been realizing over the past while that too much of my conversation and time is taken up by this silly piece of cyberspace. Me being the person I am (saying pretty much every thought that occurs to me out loud), I rolled my eyes and laughed, saying, "Oh, man, I'm SUCH a nerd!"

To which Alfred responded, "Well, is it something that makes your life better?"

"Well, er... it's kind of an online journal thingy...umm.... and friends look at it, thay can see what I've been up to... uh... and it's interesting getting people from all over the world looking at it..."

I don't know if I was convincing him. I wasn't convincing myself.

Our conversation moved on from there, but his question stuck in my head. Is the time I spend blogging something that makes my life better? Or am I doing it for other reasons?

I know some deeper reasons, which I'm not willing to go into here, yet (if I do at all). But what I will say is that I'm going to take a blogging break for a while. No checking stat counter, no blog surfing, and no more posts for a while. I have some thinking to do about why I'm doing this and if it's something I am doing to enrich my life, or to hide from it.

Ouch.

Feel free to keep leaving comments. I get those via email.

Just two more!

Two more page loads and I'm at 2000 visitors since May 10 when I added Statcounter to my blog. Wowzers!

Who gets the lucky priveledge of being #2000?

Just for kicks and giggles...

I found The Sloganizer in my blog travels this afternoon. It makes a slogan out of any key word you put into it. Here are some of my favouries:

* Hello Hillarytastic!

* And on the eighth day, God created Hello Hillary.

* Welcome to the Hello Hillary universe.

* It's not a dream. Hello Hillary is real!

* Once Hello Hillary, always Hello Hillary.

* Hello Hillary – one name, one legend.

* Hello Hillary: it’s a kind of magic.

* Hello Hillary. To hell with the rest.

Try it out, it's good for the ego, and at least worth a giggle!

My head is a snow globe (aka An Explanation of Disappointment #1)

Like snowflakes in a snow globe, there are always lots of thoughts in my head, but sometimes life gives the ol' snow globe a bit of a shake and everything starts swirling around. In those times, it's hard to capture my thoughts clearly, because they haven't had a chance to settle. But after a while, the snowflakes come to rest again, and things become clearer. Nothing ever lands in exactly the same place, and so I'm never exactly the same person I was before. Hopefully I'm better, wiser, and have come to understand more about myself and about others through it. Well, some time has passed and the globe is a little clearer now. Here's a bit of the story of "disappointment #1" (see Questions or Showin' Me the Love for a bit of background) and hopefully a little of what I've learned through it.

About 6 weeks ago, I met a guy. I'll call him Mr BD. We hit it off pretty quickly, and started hanging out and talking on the phone a bunch. We weren't 'going out', just getting to know each other and enjoying each other's company. I was a little bit cautious at first, because I've had two "false starts," as I call them, in the last year that kinda flopped. By that I mean, that I met someone, read all the signals and got excited about what might happen, and they just didn't turn into anything. I wasn't heartbroken by any means, but it just made me more cautious about hitting it off right away with someone.

But, as I got to know Mr BD a little bit, I realized that none of what I was worried about was happening. It was nice, too, that we have mutual friends, cause all I ever heard (and continue to hear) about him is that he is SUCH a good guy. And I do agree. One of the things that caught my interest was that he has such a great heart, and really works at serving others. He's funny, warm, honest, and always treated me with respect. We seemed to have lots in common, and I was looking forward to getting to know him better and to hanging out with him, doing a whole bunch of the things we both like to do. I really liked him, and unless I am completely out to lunch on this, I know that the interest was mutual, at least on some level.

About three weeks after meeting him we were both wondering if we were going a little too fast, emotionally. His work was really intense, and he needed to focus on that, and for a number of very smart reasons, he told me that he felt we should back up a bit. His reasons and his approach to our friendship just made me respect him more, and I totally agreed with him. The only problem was that I don't think either of us knew what "taking a step back" looked like exactly, and I think for him it looked like a bigger step back than it did for me.

Long story short, last week he told me that he wanted to keep our relationship at the friendship level. I wasn't surprised, really, because since we had talked about slowing down, things had become very different - more distant, I guess. During that time, I was able to get some perspective, and there were a few minor things that I was wondering about as far as compatibility went. But, they were things that I was hoping to figure out as I got to know him. I was hoping to continue hanging out, and particularly get to know him once things had settled down for him at work when he wouldn't have to be expending so much energy and was not so tired. I was, of course, disappointed when he told me that he didn't want to go beyond friends.

In between the "step back" and the "just friends" conversations, I realized that a lot of what I was feeling for Mr BD was enthusiasm / excitement at a possibility. That's not to say that I didn't like him, because I did. But the way I was feeling didn't match the amount that I knew him. I was hoping to go slow, get to know him, and maybe start dating further down the road. So, needless to say, my analyzing "girl brain" kicked into overdrive after our "just friends" chat last weekend: Did I push too hard? Was God telling me "no" and I just didn't hear him? What is the lesson here? What about those first two weeks when he was very obviously interested, too? What were those about?

He gave me some reasons, kinda, when we talked, but they were sort of hazy. I mean, reasons or no reasons I can still accept it, but it sort of left me wondering. Now I in NO way feel led on. I'm guessing that, maybe, he got caught up in the possibility of something, and then realized that he wasn't as interested as he first thought. I don't believe at all that he was ever being insincere. Or maybe he just realized that he wasn't ready for a relationship? If so, fair enough. I don't totally understand where he was coming from, though regardless, the outcome is the same, and I will respect that. I am curious, though, as to his thought process through the whole thing, but that's a question that will most likely have to be left unanswered.

When all is said and done, even though I was disappointed, I will be (am?) fine. I still have the same respect for Mr BD that I did before, and I still think he's a great guy. I'm hoping that we can continue our friendship. I'm a pretty laid back person, and I don't think there will be any "weirdness" if we continue hanging out, at least on my end. The challenge is how to convey that to him without him thinking I'm trying to cling to him.

While I was hoping for something more, I'm also alright with the way things are. And whether our friendship ended last week or it will continue, I'm grateful for the time we got to spend together.

I'm sure there are more snowflakes that need to settle, but for now, this is how they've landed.

Day three, no pee!

I've made it three days with no peed pants!!! Let's hope this number continues to grow!

(erm, let's referesh your memory that I'm teaching 4 and 5 year olds at summer school. I'm not referring to myself here. MY personal record is 6 days, thank you very much ;)

Well Said

I couldn't have said it better myself...

...in fact it hardly even bothers me. only a little. and that little actually
has more to do with me that her. every time you enter a new relationship, there
is always that hope inside that it will blossom into something more, that you'll
fall in love, be the perfect match, and live happily ever after. of course when
this doesn't happen, regardless of the reasons, its always a bit of a
disappointment. even if the reasons make sense. even if you knew it wasn't meant
to be there is still that part of you that says, "maybe it was" or "maybe it
will still work out in the future". and another part of you that says "grow up."

(Courtesy of a fellow blogger)

And we're off...

Well, summer school began yesterday. Talk about having to be flexible!

I had two courses all planned and ready to go, and I was very excited to be able to be teaching at my own school. It meant that I didn't have to pack up my classroom, I was familiar with the building, and I would be teaching with some of my colleauges from the regular school year, who are also teaching summer school.

For various reasons, however, enrollment was really low this year, and the powers that be changed the way they determine whether or not to cut a course. That meant that both of my courses got cut. This was not a big deal, though, because I could still be rolled into the cirriculum and ESL classes, and would be able to keep my job. I hadn't received a confirmation by last Friday, so I didn't do any planning. I supposed it was gonig to have to be a "fly by the seat of my pants" kind of month.

That is, until Saturday.

I was at the beach with some friends enjoying a fabulous day (the day after the previously mentionned disappointment #1) when my cell phone rang. It was the summer school principal. "Oh good! He's confirming what I'll be teaching!" thought I to myself. But no. Numbers were still down, and he wasn't able to hire me.

Oh

my

goodness.


The principal was really good to me, though, and he made calls to the other summer school principals to see if there were any openings at any other schools, and he found one! I suppose I didn't have the best attitude, cause hey, at least I have a job, BUT, I was going to have to go and pack up all my stuff at my school, bring it all to the new school, teach all July away from my buddies, AND, the "best" part??? I would be teaching PRE-KINDERGARTEN and kindergarten ESL and language arts. Hmmm... I am an intermediate teacher. I lvoe little kids, they're very cute and fun to play with, but as far as teaching them? They're just tooo little! Plus, THESE kids... many have never been to school and don't speak a word of English. Great. This was disappointment #2.

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Well, Monday came awfully quickly. That was a prep day, thankfully, so I moved all my stuff, went to the staff meeting, and then my mom came and helped me get my room set up (she's a preschool teacher, so she had lots of tips for me! We're gonig to go pilfer her preschool later this week for some fun stuff :) .

Then the kids arrived today. Apart from the registration chaos, it was actually not too bad! (Hey, any day can go great when the kids get to play at centers half the time they're there! Don't worry, that will change, but today was a settling in day - more so for me than for them!) I actually had a lot of fun with them! There was only one girl who wouldn't let go of her mom's leg, and one boy who started crying when he came back from recess becuase he thought his mom was going to come get him then. He didn't realize that there was still more school, and I couldn't explain it to him becuse he doesn't speak a word of English! Poor litle guy! He jsut cried and cried and repeated the same entence (I think) in Chinese over and over... all I oculd get was "mama" out of it.

And the biggest thing I say "Thank GOD" for today.... nobody peed their pants!!!!! Let's try to keep that record up!


Well I survived day one. Only 24 to go...

An unsent letter

I was sorting though some old papers tonight when I found it: that little slip of paper you wrote your email on the weekend we met. I came up and asked for your address, but you already had it written down. You were already planning on giving it to me.

I didn't know I still had it, so it came as a bit of a shock. I had finally gotten you out of my head for the time being, and there it was... a stark reminder that you were at least as interested as I was, if not more. I mean come on, the first time you emailed me, you listed all the things we did together as the high point of your weekend.

I liked spending time with you after that. We'd go for long walks, talk for hours, and enjoy each other's company. And your eyes when you smiled at me... wow. But, we realized that we were moving too fast. We didn't know each other very well, and we both wanted to back away a little and just get to know each other slowly.

Maybe I misunderstood what you said you wanted, or maybe you just didn't know. Either way, you came to the conclusion that you were not interested in pursuing anything further. I respect you for the way you told me. Consistent with who you are, you were kind and thoughtful, but clear.

I was not heartbroken. I didn't cry, not that day, anyway. I was, however, terribly disappointed. I just don't know what changed between the few weeks after we met and the day you told me you just didn't feel the same way about me.

That slip of paper was an unexpected reminder of how excited I was about what might have happened with you and I. It caught me off guard, and that's when the tears came.

Shoot, I really liked you.

Showin' me the love

I won't get into it here/now, but I've had two disappointments in the last two days, and am feeling kinda bummed. But, it's amazing how God shows his love in really tangible ways right when we need it the most (well, all the time, but even more so when we need it).

Shortly after disappointment #1, I got a somewhat out of characteristic hug from a friend of mine, which was jsut what I was needing. Then just after disappointment #2, as I was making some phone calls to sort a few things out, my landlords knocked on my door with a big boquet of beautiful flowers that they had just cut from their garden.

So. A hug to remind me I'm loved, and some flowers to brighten my day! That's two for two. None of these people knew what was going on, and yet they have been God with skin on for me today.

Once again I say, God is SO good.

Questions

Why does God's voice always seem clearer to me after the fact?

Over the last year, it seems that only after something happens can I look back and go, "Ah, yes, God was telling me this or that." Is it because I'm not in the practice of hearing his voice? Or have I heard it and chosen not to listen? Either way, it sure would have saved me from some disappointing situations had I realized/listened. BUT, I'm constantly learning about God, about myself and about others through this crazy tragic, sometimes almost magic, awful beautiful life. I guess it's the "almost magic" part that's getting to me right now. For once I'd like it to just be magic. I'm getting awfully tired of the 'almost.'

Looks like I'm in for some more growing pains. It's better than staying the same, though, so I can deal with that.

Moving right along.....

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Ironic... I just found this series of pictures on The Reign Of Ellen. They seem verry fitting right now. :P

Oh so easy!

A little birdy told me that you can now upload images right from your computer onto blogger... no more messing around with flikr or hello (or uploading to your own very nearly full server)! Yippee!

Happy Canada Day!