Sunday, November 20, 2005

Good Enough

Nothing is as defeating as the feeling that one is not "good enough."

I've been fighting that feeling lately - ok, for the last four and a half years - in regard to relationships. It's not an overwhelming feeling, more of a slight melancholy wondering that surfaces every now and then.

When B and I broke up back in 2001, we both knew it was a good thing. We simply weren't headed towards marriage, and it would be foolish to continue as if we were. We have remained friends even still, through him getting married and now having a baby. It's good.

Of course, there were reasons why we weren't headed towards marriage. I had mine, he had his. But every now and again, that nasty, lying little voice sneaks up on me: "B is an amazing guy. [Which is true]. You broke up because there were things he saw in you that he could not live with. If you had been ___ or done ___ you might still be together."

Now logically, I know that in part, the first half of that statement is true. We both saw things in each other that we decided we couldn't live with- not horrible things, just incompatibilities. But when that voice speaks, although it's never said directly, it's always implied that I just wasn't "good enough." Every now and then that feeling returns, particularly when things don't work out with someone I'm interested in or I'm starting to see. It can be the most illogical thought in the world - most of the guys I've had near relationships with this year, while they're good people, have had issues I'm just not willing to deal with in a relationship. They're all growing people, dealing with their baggage. I just don't want that many bags in my relationship. Because they're such good people, and have a lot to offer, and are working through their stuff (as am I, don't get me wrong - just look at the topic of this post!), I was willing to wait and see if maybe there was a possibility of a relationship anyway (deep down I knew there wasn't). Each time, however, they guy was the one to pull the plug.

There's that voice again: "See, you're just not good enough."

I know that that's a lie. I know that God knows there's someone for me who will be just the right one to compliment my strengths and my weaknesses, and for whom I can do the same. I also know it's not some mystical destiny thing - one soul separated at the beginning of time and when we meet, the two halves will come together and we will be complete. A relationship takes two people who are complete on their own first, and it's a choice, and takes work. However, I also think that God directs us to better choices.

These days, I have a friend who seems to be everything I have ever wanted in a man. I don't say that lightly. The specifics I won't get into here, but I admire his character, respect his opinion, think we share the same major goals, and never tire of talking and hanging out with him. He's the most beautiful person I have ever met, inside and out. I have known him for about a year, and have become close friends with him over the last three or four months. He is amazing.

And every now and then, I worry if I'm good enough.

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