Tears seem to be very near the surface for me these days, and it's kind of surprising me. I had to leave yesterday during our pro-d workshop more than once because of it. We were goal setting for next year, and as I settled in with my small group of early intermediate staff, they suggested that I should probably go over and sit with the French Immersion Primary group, seeing as that's where I'd be next year.
I think that's when it really hit me that I'm leaving my department of sorts, and that next year will be very, very different. I have finally gotten comfortable where I am (well, not comfortable, that will take years, but enjoying it and not feeling like I'm gonna die every waking moment of the day!), and I really really like the group of staff I'm working with. That's not to say I don't like the new group, it's just I guess things really sunk in, and I found myself overwhelmingly sad. I've put in so much stinking work this year, and next year, instead of being slightly easier because of it, will be even harder. At the break, I couln't even talk to a colleague about it without crying. Seriously. What is with me?
I'm trying to have a good attitude about things. My principal keeps coming up to me and saying things like, "Heeeey, look who it is! The new grade 2 French Immersion teacher!" I know she's trying to be sweet and is excited for me, but I just can't muster up the gumption to be all "woohoo" about this yet. I'm trying, but I'm not there yet.
BUT... It's not all doom and gloom. The kids coming up into grade 2 are really great, and there will be aspects of it that will be really fun. It will be a really good learning opportunity for me. And, as Rebecca in Texas commented in a previous post (she's great for giving me the smack-over-the-head perspective that I so need - she's done this before!), I never know what kids God will be putting in my class because they need to be there. Only she said it much more eloquently: "I just keep thinking, God has something special in store for you. He has planned out your next year and He knows what child needed you to be teaching that class at that moment." She's right. (Again! Thank you, Rebecca!) There's a reason behind this switcharoo. I just don't know what it is yet. Keeping Rebecca's comment in mind makes not knowing ok.
Also, Denney the Beatnik Poet had a post yesterday that also gave me some good perspective. He talked about entitlement, and how it's so easy to slip into thinking that we are owed something. Like I am owed the opportunity to stay doing what I was doing this year. In reality, my job has been a gift that I am so grateful for, all the way along. It has worked out perfectly for me for the last four years. God's given me exactly what I need, and even exactly what I want. What makes me think he's gonna stop providing the best for me now jsut becasue it doesn't look the way I thought it would? Even more, what makes me think I am OWED anything???
Like Denney said, "Get over yourself! ... [these] are all gifts that will eventually be destroyed, stolen or returned and then I have to ask the question: What is it that I really want: the gifts or the Giver? ... and I'm entitled to neither."
What a crazy roller coaster life tends to be, eh? God seems to like to keep us on our toes.
........ speaking of toes, yesterday's picture and some others are now up at flickr if you'd like to take a peek at the first few shots on my new camera. Click the picture below to be taken there!