I posted my last post immediately after hearing the news about my job. Then driving home from work on Friday evening, I had so many thoughts rolling around in my head that I flipped on my little voice recorder and started talking them all out. Sometimes I do that - kind of a verbal diary for when I can't write. Just like looking back on a journal, it's interesting to go back to it. But this time, after listening to it when I got home, I decided to turn it into a blog post. Why not? But I only had time to get it out now, so I've been feeling kinda guilty all weekend, reading your comments and well wishes (thank you!) knowing that I was ok with things, but just not having the time to post! Such is the way things go sometimes. Life before blog!
So here it is, word for word (ok, minus most of the ums and the and random comments to traffic muttered as I made my way through the Friday streets). This is probably one of teh most personal things I've ever posted. And remember, this is verbal, people. Don't judge me for my grammar and lack of varied vocab on this one! Cause you know, it's so spectacular usually... ;) I didn't know I was gonna be sharing this with the world when I was saying it!
Friday May 4, 6:30pm
Here I am driving home, listening to Carolyn Dawn Johnson's "Into You" [seriously, go listen, it's fantastic! It's at the core of my newly develloping dating manifesto. But that's another post for another time...] and then earlier, sitting in my classroom with the light streaming in - bright beautiful May day... and... just being really happy. Norah Jones playing, doing my marking, really happy and content, enjoying the content of grade 5 - the Cariboo Gold Rush, all of that stuff - then finding out about my job and taking a bit of a nose dive and how that was temporary, in-the-moment... and now... I kinda have my head wrapped around teaching kindergarten now. Thinking that, you know? This might be a good thing, and it might be... yeah, just what I needed. I feel like I'm too harsh with these kids - with my grade 5's - and wanting to, um... enjoy the little-kiddieness of it, and kindergarten? .... yeahHA! I'm gonna have to! And me thinking how I don't know how to assess how my grade 5's are reading exactly, and in kindergarten, I'm gonna learn those skills... and that... it's gonna be GOOD. And I think a lot of the things that I've been wanting to learn as a grade 5 teacher, I think a jaunt in kindergarten will be good for me. It'll be... alright, it'll be a lot of work. Won't be a lot of marking, but it'll still be a lot of work - prep, and things... but I'm finding I'm ok with it as I'm driving home, and listening to that song on the radio...
... and feeling like the biggest weight has come off of my shoulders, um, especially after having talked to [the boy of previously alluded to boy stuff] this week. Talking to him... really gave me... I hate to use the word, but "closure" and I feel like can continue on now, and I feel like I can... I can finally feel like that's all behind me now. Yeah, it's amazing, I feel like the biggest, biggest weight has been lifted off my shoulders. And I think that a lot of how I've been feeling over the last year has been emotionally sucked up by what's been going on with him - either liking him and not knowing how he felt, or going on dates and being so crazy excited I can't think of anything else, or in agony over what's gonna happen, or what has happened, and then being hurt and then mad about it and everything, and I've been thinking, it's put me in a bad place, in a sense. Not him, but the situation. I really feel... I don't know, I've just felt really selfish for the last year, like I've been... too sucked up by my own stuff to be as interested in other people, and I haven't liked who I've been over the last year, and I feel like that's all different, now. I feel like I have more emotional energy to think about other people, and... I just feel so much lighter.
And the other thing I was thinking about - so I guess there was the school stuff, and then the boy stuff, and then there was the... blessing stuff.
Melissa commented on my blog that good things happen to me. She goes, "Good things happen to you, Hillary."
And you know what? They do. [and this is where I started to crack] And I am SOOO blessed in my life - thinking about my job, thinking about my family... thinking about, you know, how blessed I am to have been in this school, and that I probably will be able to stay... and how blessed I am thinking about this settlement and thinking about my retro pay last year, and how great that was, and how easy it is to lose track sometimes of how blessed we are. And I just think that... like... what have I been looking at??? I've been SO tied up in all this, you know, gross stuff, lately that I haven't been able to focus on the good stuff, and... it's time to change that.
My life is good. And I'm really grateful for it...
Aaand, it's the start of a beautiful weekend, and I'm NOT behind in marking for the first time since September - while I've got a lot to do, I'm not behind - and I've got a fun night tonight, and a beautiful day tomorrow, and time with friends, and time for marking, and time to buy some PRETTY FLOWERS! and put them in my garden! and do a photography workshop, and then my dancing class... and...
Life is good. And I am grateful. And... the school thing? Ehh... I'll be alright.